Saturday, July 25, 2015

divorce, best friends, and dreams

today my husband and I took a day trip, saw a couple of museums, ate dinner, and ran a few errands. 
he always wonders what it would have been like if we had stayed together in high school. he hates that I had to have an abusive husband. I know that I have brought some of the baggage with me but beyond that the whole time in my life seems so surreal.
my dad and his girlfriend went to her 30 year reunion. last night she posted on face book that they had a good time but were going to bed. I was going to make a comment that it was only 11:30, I would have been up much later.  Then I remembered I married the person that would have kept me out late. 
one time there was some face book survey of who your best friend was and of course I put my bff from high school.  Skippy was so upset because I didn't put him, it never dawned on me to consider him my best friend (probably should have been a sign). I had never witnessed a relationship, other than my ex in laws, that the two people genuinely liked each other.  I had always seen those cheesy quotes at weddings "today I married my best friend".  I think the first time I saw that, the girl was cheating on her husband almost since day one and they got divorced.
I have become the couple that I hate.  I really did marry my best friend.  Yesterday he had a Dr apt and I really didn't want to go (being an agoraphobic) but I wanted to continue our conversation.  I wanted to be with him.  I never knew you could feel this way about another human being, to actually like someone all of the time.  the good lord knows I am moody. 
Skippy always told me that dreams are the brains way of dealing with issues.  I am not sure why issues I have to deal with dreaming of relationships of the past.  I remember being very fearful before I married skippy of being able to be faithful. I didn't have even that thought when I married joe. I continue to have dreams of boyfriends past and cheating on my husband. i am not sure what my brain is trying to fix, but it needs to hurry it up because the past needs to just stay in the past. i don't need the heart ache, thank you very much. 

Friday, July 24, 2015

Foreign emotions

When you don't know how to make yourself feel better then make others feel good.

A friend and her husband create stained glass pieces. She was laughing, telling me that people think it is like the children's craft with the beads that you bake in the oven. I suppose I always knew what it was because I love vintage items.

I had one of those kits that my mother bought me for Christmas and never let me make, it was always too hot to turn on the oven.

I have become concerned for my lack of ability to form close relationships with people. I am still watching the lady that is so consumed with grief from the loss of her mother with bewilderment. It is so foreign to me. This lady is absolutely lost without her mother. I think I have always felt lost and sadness, well that is my constant companion.

I go back to therapy on Monday. I am neither here nor there about it. I think I have accepted that this is the way my life will be not just a phase in my life that started three years ago.

Spiritual people

I love being around spiritual people. My hair dresser is one of those people who is very steadfast in her faith

I hired this girl. When I interviewed her she told me that she had been kicked out of her home and she was living with her boyfriend until she could get her house fixed up.

She came in earlier in this week with a migraine. Her step father had her medication refilled and brought it to her. I asked her if it was her mother that had kicked her out. She said yes. I told her that I didn't have a very good relationship with my mother. I had spent a lot of time debating if i would regret the time that I had spent without her when she was dead. It has been over a year and I am comfortable saying that i don't.

I was randomly telling my hairdresser this story and she showed me the goose bumps on her arm. Her and I are a lot alike, we both yearn/yearned for a relationship with our mother that they were unable to give. She told me that she had been contemplating whether or not to continue her relationship with her mother. 

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Karma and religion

I woke up today irritated, cramping, and just not feeling well.

I heard a man's testimony today.  I just wanted to hug him.

I spend too much of my life in the cycle of karma. I have linked karma and religion. I think that if I do the right thing then good things will happen to me. I feel like I am being tested. I went to a store and was under charged. I thought it sounded too cheap. I was distracted but I looked at my receipt and wasn't charged for an item. I told my husband to keep the tags so I could go back to the store and pay for the item. I am scared to death that if I don't right the wrong then God won't have favor upon me.

I asked the man after he told me his story of my issues about forgiveness. I know that God forgives as soon as I ask for fogiveness. I cannot seem to forgive myself.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015


I don't know how to negotiate this relationship.
I am married to a man who adores me, loves me with his heart, he is a hard worker, he makes me laugh, and he has such a good soul.
I don't know how to deal with someone who isn't damaged, who wants to actually lift me up, and be my best friend.
We watched a movie last night and the main character had a break down. He was throwing things, breaking things, and being scary. These are the relationships that I know how to negotiate.
It had dawned on me last night that I didn't have to do the drama in my personal life anymore. I don't have to walk on eggshells anymore. I don't have to prepare for the next meltdown.
Actually having a partner, someone who tries to understand my issues, and listens to me. Is willing to be here for me whenever and wherever.
For once, I am not sabotaging the relationship because I don't feel like I deserve it. I may be just too tired.

Grief and true love

I love dysfunctional TV shows.

I was watching RHOC and one of the ladies lost her mother. Her whole world fell apart. Her grief is so foreign to me.

I don't think there is anyone in my life that I would grieve that much for. I realize that it is partly because I never had children. I might not have a clue what real love is, maybe none of my family knew what love was.

I thought that butch really loved my mother because when she left, he fell apart but now I think it was more a blow to his self esteem because a woman had never left him, ever.

I never saw my mother cry over anything. I am sure she did when her mother died but we weren't there.  Rodney and I weren't allowed to come, which thinking about it now seems very odd. Butch and mother reconciled briefly when her brother passed away, they flew out together.

Maybe that is why I love my animals so much. I know what love is because I see it in their eyes. I don't have to fear that they will leave me, cheat on me, or treat me badly because it isn't in their nature. In fact they would rip someone's limbs off if they tried to hurt me.

I will cry when they leave me.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

belt whippings

So the other day my husband and I were talking and he was mentioned being sent to his room when he was a kid and how much he hated it.

I really had to think then I had to remind him how oblivious my parents were. I could only remember once my mother sent me to my room. I am sure it was because I was getting on her nerves because one of the older girls were going to come and get me to take me swimming. I am really not sure why because I lived right next to the gym. I was all excited because I was going to ride with one of the cool girls. I kept going to the door to see if the cool girl was at my house to pick me up. My mother told me to stop going to the door or I wouldn't be going to the pool.  I must have gone to the door because my mother sent me to my room and then she whipped me with the belt. Being the brat that I was, I made sure to wear my bathing suit the next day to showcase my belt marks.

I think that my mother even called me out on it.