Tuesday, January 28, 2014

it just isnt possible

It is amazing how quickly it all goes.

I am divorced.  The only thing left is to change my name on a few more items and my ex needs to get his dog and his kitchen stuff and i am done.  Unfortunately, i was done a long time ago.  I always preach that perception is reality.  I know that my story will vary greatly from his.  It is amazing how i am always able to put my finger on the exact moment it started going south.  It was the day he put me out on Okmulgee.  I will never forget the look in his eyes as he called me a bitch.  I was so hurt because i never thought that he would ever treat me like that.  Why yes, i had gone out with many psychos that i would have expected that behavior but never did i expect it from someone who told me i was their everything.  Adding insult to injury, i had to fight with him for two days after to get him to apologize.  I am sure that his story will be that one day he came home and i asked him for a divorce.  The most awesome part of that is when he wanted to go to counseling.  Why is it that people are willing to do too little too late?

I went and saw my mother today.  She is left in a room alone waiting for death.  I would say that she doesnt even recognize me but i am not totally sure that she knows that anyone is there.  Her breathing is very raspy.  I wish i could tell her how to die.  I wish that i would understand our relationship or lack there of, but i know this....she just never knew how to relate to me.  Maybe she didnt care to, didnt have the want to, or the time to.  My mother a prime example of the person laying on their death bed wishing they would have spent more time at the office.  I dont know that anyone ever knew my mother.  My therapist tells me that i must figure out why i hate her so much.  I think it was because she was a fraud.  I hate that part of myself as well, the mask that i have hidden behind for so long but have no clue how to get out from behind. 

I have defined myself via titles...my job, which was taken from me, thankfully.  Though it was painful at the time, it freed me from the expectations, the need to be perfect, to succeed, to have to prove to someone/anyone that i was worthy.  Then i tried so hard to be the stepford wife.   Taking on my  new surname with too much seriousness, wanting to be worthy, then realizing that he wasnt worthy of me.  It has been nice to come home to a quiet house, with my loving animals, and just be still. 

Life is like that roller coaster that i fearfully rode this summer, you have to let go, learn to go with the dips, turns, and falls..............stop trying to control everything, because you cannot. 

Monday, January 20, 2014

from something to nothing

life is always fun when you are going through a divorce.  I hate having to explain it to people and have them apologize.  I want to ask them if they are what made my husband a lazy, impotent, jerk?

The nursing home called my father today and my mother was doing bad, wanted him to come and try to calm her down.  "She is fighting death who has come for her...." was his outlook, which is probably right.  He told me not to come because he had seen this before and it was better this way.  I said my goodbyes years ago. 

My soon to be ex showed up today to get his mail and the divorce papers.  I had put all of the medication in the bag for Buckley that he will need.  He didn't want to take it now.  It just put it up in the cabinet and said whatever.  I was shocked that he used the front door and rang the doorbell, since he was so adamant about keeping both of the garage door openers.  He got his stuff and on his way out asked how my mother was doing, I told him "dying".  He asked if there was anything that they could do.  I said no.  He asked if there was anything they could do to keep her comfortable, I said they were giving her morphine.  He then got home and sent me a text about why I couldn't be nice to him when he was being so nice to me.  I didn't respond.  He then called me and I thanked him for being nice to me during this divorce but that I was cautious that he and his family would turn on me and come at me with everything that they had.  He said that he would never do that.  I told him that I knew him well enough to know that when he gets angry he will do and say whatever it takes to win.  He disagreed.  It blows me away that we have very different viewpoints on our marriage.  He told me that he never wanted to make me miserable, he just wanted to make my life perfect.......we obviously have different definitions of what perfect is. 

His parents are so concerned about me going to church.  I told him that I would find a new church to go to, because all I need is to see my ex twice a week.  If they are so concerned about me and my future I would have had to not go to school this semester.  Oh well, I knew it was coming.  The lines were drawn and it is amazing how one day you are part of something and the next you are nothing. 

Friday, January 17, 2014

house of death

i went and saw my mother at the nursing home yesterday and today.  Yesterday she was in the main room where everyone is suppose to watch tv.  I looked around and all that I could see was different people in different states of death.  Today I went and they had her in the dining hall, she was asleep so I didn't stay long.  I haven't done a good job of going to church lately.  I feel as though God is probably disappointed in me.  I wanted to pray for her but was unable to at first, then I just thought "God, please let her die".  I used to think that because I knew what her being alive was doing to my dad.  Today I just sat and watched her sleep while the guy next to her kept trying to take off his t shirt thinking I didn't ever want to end up like that.  I know that if she manages to keep breathing in this state that she will bankrupt my dad.

Yesterday she was awake, she said that she wanted to die.  I told her that there was no more reason for her to fight.  Rodney and I would take care of each other.  She said that she was tired.  She showed me her fingernails and how uneven they were.  I went out to the car and got my fingernail clippers, nail file, hand lotion, and lip balm.  I slowly trimmed her nails and filed them until she was satisfied.  I watched as she rubbed the lotion into her hands.  I felt the need to carefully take each of these actions in and permanently etch them into my brain. 

I often wonder if I will miss her when she is gone.  I no longer hate her anymore.  She is too confused to be angry at her situation.  I often wonder what I am suppose to accomplish before God will take her.  Until then I will continue to go to the nursing home and maybe one day I will figure it all out.....and maybe I won't.

The saddest part of this entire situation is that I am glad that my husband is no longer living at the house because he wouldn't be any help emotionally.  Sure, he would do the dishes, laundry, and pay the bills but deep down inside I know how much he dislikes my family.  There would be one more thing that we just wouldn't talk about. 

The day I told him that I wanted a divorce.  He flipped from how miserable he would make this divorce to wanting to sit down and talk about it.  I told him I was leaving, he then wanted to sit in my lap in the car and try to take my keys.  Sorry, buddy I have gone out with way too many crazy people to let you have those keys.  He said that he would let me leave if I promised we would talk about it tomorrow.  I came home, he wanted to talk, and I wanted to take a nap.  He wanted to go to marriage counseling.  I explained to him how well that worked the last time that we did that, I had to drag him to the counselor.  Of course I was wrong and he didn't remember it like that.  He then went into how sorry he felt for me because I didn't want to fight for our marriage.  I feel as though I have prayed and cried for way too long for my marriage. 

One of the guys that my parents used to work with came by to check on me....I guess my sudden weight loss is concerning to everyone but me.  He had ran into my husband and he had made the mistake of asking how I was doing. He then got the story, he said the longer that my ex talked the more he realized how angry that he was.  I told him that the anger had nothing to do with me or the demise of our marriage.  His anger is what made me leave.  It had permeated my pours and was making me into a person that I didn't want to become nor did I like.  I had let my first marriage turn me into that person and it took me too long to find my way back, I wasn't going to let that happen again.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

too late

This morning I woke up after having a dream about my ex and was scared that he was still living in the house and I just felt this sense of dread come over me.  It was very depressing.

My mother has been moved to a nursing home.  Which honestly is probably where she needed to be years ago, the issue is that it is costing $4k a month and that just cannot continue.  So, I am not sure how all of that is going to work out. 

The good news is that my ex has been a not so big jerk to me, he has even come by the house a few times to let the dogs out and when I came home Monday night, he had already taken the trash out. I was very shocked.  He said that he had put money down on a house and I am hoping that he gets it soon.  I understand why he is getting a house, but I know how much he cannot stand lawn care, but he wants Buckley and that is probably not a bad idea.  I wonder if he will dog sit when I go out of town???  Probably not. 

I saw my therapist Monday and I am sure that she went home and drank after I left her office. 

What I truly do not understand is that I was living with someone when I met my husband, that guy was a jerk to me and I left him.  Matt was a jerk to me and it took me four years too long but I did manage to leave his ass too. 

I saw his parents again today and they asked about my mom and said that they would pray for her.  His dad told me not to stop going to church.  They were civil which was nice.  I am sure that one day they will sit down and realize that their son is a lazy jerk and that I am just not built that way. 

I am so happy that I don't have to be around his negative attitude anymore.  I am pleased that I got away before that it made me become a person that I wouldn't have liked.  I was on my way, but I got out before it was too late. 

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Everything is great

Yesterday was a roller coaster ride.  My in laws came in and had their dog's nails trimmed.  My soon to be ex has two things left at the house but refuses to leave the garage door openers.  He kept sending me texts that made me want to reach through the phone and punch him in the face.  I am trying to be the better person and not participate.

I wanted to ask my soon to be ex in laws about my Christmas present that they took back.  My mother in law was going to take me shopping for Christmas and I told her to just write me a check for the money that she would spend so I could pay tuition.  Yeah, they asked for the check back. Oh well, falls under the category of being a better person.

My mother is being taken to the ER and so I am now sitting in the waiting room with sick people.  The guy next to me really smells and I am afraid that he is going to puke on me.  I have become a germaphobe as I have gotten older and this is creeping me out.

When I left, my assistant asked if I was okay.  I said my family is crazy and I am getting divorced, everything is great.

Monday, January 6, 2014

happy new year

I finally took the plunge and left my husband. 
I am not even sure where to start.  Christmas was miserable as usual.  My husband was absolutely no help what so ever.  He had taken vacation that week and had asked me if there was anything that he was able to do.  I asked him if he would clean the floors.  Christmas Eve we went to church, came home and he had laundry to do....really you have been off all week.  I worked on the floors Christmas Eve and then had to get up early Christmas day to finish them before going off to the store to feed animals.  I come home and start lunch.  My husband comes in and informs me that I should have asked him before I asked my father to join us for lunch.  I just told him that it was too late, he was on his way, and I was thankful to have his help.  He then came into the kitchen and wanted to know if he could help why I took a shower.  I asked him to finish peeling two potatoes and cut them to put them in the water.  I told him that after that if he would put the silverware out, because he always complains when I do it.  He looks at me and asks me how long of a shower I plan to take...really peel 2 potatoes and put out silverware that is already on the counter.  I have even gotten out the pan, filled it with water, so all you have to do is put it on the stove and turn it on.  His parents get there and when lunch is ready, I walk into the living room to give the guys their plates.  My husband gives me a look as if this is the most inappropriate thing that he has ever seen, tells me to take the plates back into the kitchen. 

This is Wednesday, on Saturday I come home and tell him I am done.  He now wants to go to counseling and I tell him there is no way I am going to counseling with him again.  He said that once before and I found a counselor and had to beg him to go.  I am DONE!  He then tells me that he is going to make this divorce hell.  Then switches to "let's sit down and talk about this"....whatever.  I pack some stuff to leave.  My husband comes out to the garage, I roll down the window and he opens the door.  He wants to talk, he wants me to stay (should've thought of that years ago), he then gets upset and tries to take my keys.  I have played this game more times that I like to remember.  I take the keys out of the ignition and tell him that I am leaving.  He says that I can leave if we will talk about this tomorrow.  Whatever. 

I come home on Sunday and he wants to talk.  I want to sleep.  Dejavu......he tells me if we don't talk he is going to leave.  I tell him that is a great idea.  He then goes into how sorry he feels for me for not wanting to save this marriage.  I really feel as if I have been..........for the last four years.