Sunday, June 30, 2013



I am not all into Goth or any of that.  this was so pure, so honest, and so part of the dream that I have to not be broken. 

fixing people

I had a meeting this morning and only had 5 employees show up, so we all went to breakfast.  it was nice to be the boss this morning. 

I did finished my module two for business communications and now have to finish reading a chapter for marketing so that I can complete my third test.  I was shocked that I have a 92 in that class, haven't done really well on the tests.  her tests are timed and you only have one shot, you cant go back to questions that are taking too long.  she is tough.  now, I have to write a 5 page paper with new product marketing for a series or sodas marketed to the obese and diabetic.  with all of the information she wants, I am thinking this is going to be way longer than five pages.  she wants four total 8x10 advertisements. 

my sunday routine usually consists of taking the dogs for a drive, donut shop, and nap.  bubba looked so sad this morning when I left without him.  I came back and they were outside.  I opened the door and they slowly walked into the house until they realized the door to the garage was open and the car doors were too.  I took them for a long drive this morning.  it was nice.

this last week has worn me out and I am afraid this next week isn't going to be much better.  I have a board meeting tomorrow.  I am still not sure that I am going to continue this organization and will probably tell them as much tomorrow.  I don't know why I am wasting my time on a board for a president who wants to do his own thing anyway.  I am way too tired and have too much going on for this kind of aggravation. 

I have my therapist appointment on Tuesday, she wants to know about my ex husband....this should be interesting.  I hate telling that story, I always minimize it and I feel like such a dumb ass for being in that relationship.  besides my childhood, that is probably my second biggest piece of baggage.  I just don't know why I continue to pick relationships to be in with people who I am trying to fix.  I hate that about myself. 

Friday, June 28, 2013

my awesome sister

today was a very long day and I am glad to be home

I saw two sets of homeless people begging for money at the corner today. I was very impressed because it was above 90 degrees outside and they have zero shade.  there was a chic that was new, I think she was with the couple in the truck that were camped out in the grass and looked as though they literally had everything they owned in the back of their truck.  it looked like it had been there for awhile too. 

the old man had his sign "broke and hungry" he did well, I saw two cars stop and give him money.  he looked less like a crack whore than the chic did, which probably helped him out a lot.  my dad says that "my panhandler friend is a private business man, sets his own hours. doesn't need to dress and much like a preacher, delivers a message "help me I represent the poor" and lives off the sympathy of others.  he has no product, no employees. he just wants to be left alone to do his job without government intervention.  in many ways he's smarter than the rest of us.  He's under the radar in all respects."  I am sorry, I like living in a house, taking a daily shower, having clean clothes, and being able to work in a climate controlled building. he can have that job, I will just pay my taxes.

I drove away from that scene being incredibly thankful for what I have and for once I was not judgmental.......well, not entirely, the crackwhore comment was a bit judgmental. 

sister sent me a text the other night, she actually called, but I was at church.  she wanted to know "did I pray for my used to b fine ass and soul?"  I told her no, that there was nothing wrong with her soul and she still has a fine ass.  she hoped that god and a handsome man told me that.  she wanted to know my blog address, I face booked it to her with a warning.  she was telling me how much my niece is just like me.  I told her I knew that and I hated the heartache that it was going to cause my niece.  sister told me bull crap, I was incredible, smart, and have a contagious laugh. 

this my friends are what sisters are for :)

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

path to healing

went and saw my therapist yesterday, she was concerned after my last visit.  she thought the session was hard and I told her it was exactly what I needed.  I felt as though I had emotional diarrhea and was able to unload the burden onto her that I had been carrying for the past week. 

we did talk about my mother and I told her that I had felt as if I had been more grateful then she wouldn't have left me.  my therapist was very troubled by that, I am sure that it was the programming I had by butch that "I was selfish, the world did not revolve around me and I needed to pull my head out". 

we did figure out that the narcissist was butch. 

of course i couldn't talk about the narcissist without telling the tale of how i met the nicest guy and totally broke his heart.  I am so grateful though, I needed to feel something other than the gut wrenching hurt that i felt at that time.  it was so nice to have someone look at me with such caring and love.  i wish that we would have met at a different time, when my head and heart were in a different place.  i told her that i had found him last year, but i didn't think things would work out.  she asked why, i gave a lot of excuses.  i mostly feared that it was just a sexual itch that i wanted scratched and you cant base a lifetime on that. 

i was at taco bell the other day and there was a couple that were getting ready to order, they had some kids with them.  there was a moment where the man looked at the woman and touched her face.  i thought how nice it was that after all of these years and these kids that there was still such tenderness in the their life.  then she stepped up and ordered for her kids.  i realized that they were dating and hadn't been together for the last decade.  it made me wonder if passion like that can be everlasting or is that the storybook ending that women want to believe. 

I had read to my therapist the text that my bff had sent me that stated "sad things are just sad things and that you gotta radically accept things".  my therapist told me that in dynamic therapy that there is  how you wish things would have been and then there is the reality of how things were, the distance between the two is the depth of your suffering.  you never have to let go of the wish, because I deserved a better childhood and should not have been brought into this world by two broken people.  when you radically accept the reality then you start to heal.  my issue is that I will continue to go back to a problem until I feel as if I have been heard.  butch will NEVER acknowledge his selfish behavior and the hurt that it caused me so I will have to find my healing via another path.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

chasing the high

"i chased and accepted a marriage that wasn't worthy of a date".....G.U.

wow, that i can relate to.  i have spent so much time with people who chose me and i felt as though i should be grateful. 

i go and see my therapist today, she wants to know about my high school days.  Nothing like reliving the 80's and how cool we all thought we were with our big hair.  i thought about taking a photo so she could get the real picture, but then i remembered she is my therapist not my bff. 

totally fell off the wagon sunday.  i had spent almost 2 weeks on my diet, obsessively counting every calorie, but hadn't seen the scale move in the way i needed it to.  so i said, f it and ate whatever i wanted.  it didn't make me feel happy, in fact it was as if i was trying to fill a black hole.  now i know how heroin addicts feel chasing their first high and never really reaching the euphoria they felt that first time. needless to say, i wasn't very hungry yesterday after eating probably two days worth of food in a single day.  now i really have to find something else that soothes me because it isn't food anymore, i cant smoke, and i definitely cannot hold my liquor.  i have been trying to spend time in the morning before the craziness of the day, reading my bible and that seems to help..... maybe this is the meditation that my therapist talks about. 

i know moderation in living is the key to happiness, but i have never been very good at moderation, it is always to one extreme or another.

i was reading someone else's blog last night and she was talking about work and how it was something to be labored at.  i thought of those people who say "do what you love and you will never work a day in your life" i hate those people.  if they only had a clue what it was like to be stuck in my head, they would know that doing what i love isn't an option.....finding something i could tolerate is the best that i can ask for, but I can put on my mask and make you think that i love it. 

Monday, June 24, 2013

fierce and fearless

"I used to revel in gossip and rumors. I lived for the negativity inflicted upon my sister actresses or anyone who I felt, whose shine diminished my own. I took joy in people's pain and I tap danced on their misery."  Gabrielle Union

i am a mean girl, not as mean as i once was, but still have work to do. 

i do try to say a prayer that God will heal people's heart, but when i see someone walk through the door and they are 500lbs.  i judge, first that as a society we have allowed this to become acceptable and attainable.  then, secretly with fear that i wont be able to get my weight under control and i will continue to eat my feelings.  then thankful that isn't me, yet. 

i am nice to people's face then whisper under my voice that they are a dumb ass or roll my eyes when they walk away.

i don't reveal in other people's misery the way that i used to, because i realized what it felt like to be on the other end of that stick.  i don't think that other people's success necessarily takes away from mine.  i have stopped competing on the business front and i am more concerned about making my own personal success.  this comes from things that have to be accomplished by one's own self.  i am the only one that is held accountable for my school work and my grades.  i have to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of the choices that i made or didn't make.  i am the one that has to look at that number on the scale and learn how to be okay with it and know that it is all my doing.  i know that gossip is a sin and is probably my biggest weakness, it no longer makes me feel good and i don't want to be that person that people have to worry about when they turn their back on me.  i have been on the receiving side of that as well and it doesn't boost your self esteem. 

maybe this reform comes from age, experience, or maturity, i am not sure, but i am sure that i don't want to be that person again.  i may not be happy with who i am today, but i know being that person wont make me any more happy. 

Gabrielle was accepting the fierce and fearless award from essence magazine, she defined real fierce and fearless women as being
*able to communicate
*admit mistakes and correct them
*use their voice for something other than self promotion
*be able to celebrate other people's victories

Saturday, June 22, 2013

my friday

today is my Friday

Thursday was my failing managers last day,  I am starting to realize how nice it is going to be with him gone and not having him drag me down and make me work so hard.  I kind of feel bad, I just left at the end of the day and said "congrats and good luck" cake, no card, no hurrah.  he asked me if I was going to miss him and I told him I was not going to miss his coffee cups all over the store, his dishes in the sink, and the fact that I have to clean up after him every day.  I feel as if a huge burden has been raised off of my shoulders.  Now, what to do with chicken little.

people who don't get it are a wonder to me.  he actually asked me if he could use me as a reference.  I gave him a horrible review, had many conversations with him about his poor performance, and he still didn't get it.  unfortunately, I think he thought I was either being emotional or just had unrealistic expectations.  I pray he doesn't get into management again, if so I pity the poor person that he works for. 

the volunteers from the animal shelter came out today and we were able to adopt out 6 dogs.  thank goodness she has not had to euthanize for space this year, only behavioral issues and illnesses.  I wouldn't be able to do what she does, but I am very thankful that she does it.  the volunteers are planning on coming back on the 6th.  I cant wait. 

the homeless man was back on the corner again today.  I have bubba in the car, he had his head stuck out the back window.  I almost got into a wreck, because I was too busy watching him and hoping he wouldn't try and eat the man.  I didn't get to read what his sign said, but I am pretty sure it was the guy that used to stand by the liquor store. 

once when I worked as an assistant, we found a guy that had died under our compactor.  when we had the area cleaned out, there were bottles of mouthwash that he had been drinking to become intoxicated.  we think that he had gotten drunk, passed out, and froze during the middle of the night.  I remember thinking for days after if the man had a family, if anyone would miss him now that he was gone.  then it always makes me wonder what happened to these people that this becomes their life.  I watched an episode of intervention last night and the lady's apartment caught fire due to faulty wiring and she lost 3 of her 4 children.  I thought, I would be a crackhead too. 

Friday, June 21, 2013

radically accepting things

i sent my bff a text the other night telling her that i am not sure how i would have made it without her and her family when we were growing up.  she asked me if i was drinking.  i told her no that i was digging up my childhood in therapy. she told me that she couldn't imagine what she would've done without me to take care of her all of those times that she blacked out from drinking. i told her that we were quite a pair.  i really don't think that i took really good care of her when she blacked out, unless you consider driving her home....drunk.  she then tells me that the first night her and her husband were together, he gave her a substance that he knew would make her pass out and him and his friend were planning on raping her.  what a great guy, this is the man that is the father of her child, my goddaughter.  LOVELY.  i just kept thinking, what was he going to tell his daughter when she got older and she asked "how did you two meet?"  i guess that i am not the only one that is awesome at picking winners. 

i told her that i felt that i was too old to sit around crying about my childhood.  she said "never too old. sad things are just sad things.  gotta radically accept things."  i thought this was good advice.

so my therapist told me that i needed to stop trying to be such a perfectionist, sometimes things just have to be good enough for government work.  i am taking two online classes this summer, one i will probably just max out on points, the other i will be lucky enough if i get a B.  at one time this would have killed me, now i am not sure if it is because i just don't care or if i am realistic in my time to devote to this class and how difficult it is to grasp a concept when you don't have a teacher to lecture.  oh well, i figure whichever it is the fact that i am not killing myself must be some sort of progress. 

Thursday, June 20, 2013

riff raff

sometimes you cannot beat living in a small town

a 62 year old gun wielding woman emptied her .357 magnum into her husband's truck, they both went to jail.  he was charged with domestic violence and well, you can guess her charges.  I am thinking they are both lucky she didn't hit the gas tank and blow both of them up, but then again the world might be a bit safer without them.

I am thinking that the city must have taken my advice and ran off the riff raff that like to panhandle by my store.  Unfortunately it didn't stop one of them today, he asked me if I had a needle or a Bobbi pin.  I told him they sold them next door, he then asked me if I had a dollar.  I told him no, he then asked me if I had $10.  I said "negative",  he got the hint and left. 

the other day I was at my therapist's and I was checking out everyone in the waiting room.  The patient before me was a shorter, older man.  he looked normal and I wondered what his issue was.  It is funny how you sit in the waiting room and compare yourself to other people, feeling superior because you don't look as messed up as the lady three chairs down.  I am really sure that she thought the same thing about me, because I am not even sure if my therapist's door was closed before I started crying.  I also need to find a yoga class before Monday.....or I am going to have to lie and that cant be good. 

I did have "chicken little" express to me today that she felt that if she left this earth, she wondered if anyone would notice.  I told her about driving to my therapist the other day and seeing the storm clouds and thinking that if a tornado came and swept me, that I would be thankful to not have to feel the pain anymore.  she cried, I think it was relief that someone else felt the way that she did.  I told her that I was sorry that I wasn't there for them the way that I should be, but I am working on it. 

I am thankful to have my school work as a distraction.  I am trying to stay true to my diet and get below 160 before I have to go to summit this summer, that would be really nice. 

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

please remain in your seats

I feel like a big, raw bundle of nerves.....

I did not do like my therapist told me to do, which was either yoga, meditate, or swim.  I am still trying to get into the swing of things this semester.  looming deadlines are keeping me at home and making me feel as though I have little time to pamper myself.

my boss is coming tomorrow to do an audit.  I will probably fail and this would have bothered me before.  I am not sure if I realized that something's just going to have to staying at the store until late tonight because I have homework or if just good enough is going to have to work.  I am out of time and out of energy.  I refuse to kill myself for something that in a year wont matter. 

I did get to talk to my bff yesterday which was nice.  we have had quite a year, she finally got sober this year.  unfortunately, still married to a raging alcoholic, but she only has 24 hours left of school and she will be done and will have some options.  it was funny to hear her say that now she is sober, she recognizes that she is smart.  I guess I never looked at her as dumb, but I suppose she did play the party clown card a lot.  I assumed it was just an act, but she obviously believed it. 

I am permanently annoyed at my new hiring system, I think its only job in my life is to make my job tougher.  I have a girl that I cant hire until sunday and a guy that I cant hire until the sunday after that....really, this is not the time for my patience to be tested. 

I have just came to the conclusion that the next year is just going to suck while I am going through therapy and trying to heal my heart and my mind and find some way to act other than dysfunctional.  I feel like I should have a sign around my neck with a warning to all the people who must be in my life.  I am sad and unhappy, I am working on it, but in the meantime expect lots of turbulence. 

Monday, June 17, 2013


I had my third therapy session today and I just broke down after these past two long weeks...

i wanted to curl up in bed and miss my session but the thought of continuing this hurt was more of a motivator than staying in bed, feeling bad. I thought that it would be good for my therapist to see what bad looked like.  She told me that my sadness was palpable.  i told her about my enormous weight gain and my desperate search for something to do that would make me feel good.  she told me that i needed to find something like yoga, meditation, or swimming to center myself. 

i am really not sure that i like myself, which would explain why i continue to do all of these self defeating behaviors.  the sad part is that i wouldn't have a clue what liking myself would look like. i want to get to the point that i don't feel the need to have other people validate me.  to be the overachiever to have people tell me that i have done a good job, to make me feel worthy. 

i am so tired of feeling broken.  i have spent my whole life waiting and wanting someone to make me feel whole, then i picked the most toxic people that made me only feel worse and broke me even more. 

i kill myself for this perfection thinking that it would make me feel just "good enough". 

i so wish that i could explain what broken feels like.  i have done so many awful things that most of the time i feel black inside.  i have spent so many years with this negative self talk in my head, telling myself horrible things.  i remember i would sit and cry before school, because i thought that i was so disgustingly fat.  i would be so angry with myself for allowing myself to have no self control, to allow my thighs to be so huge. 

i feel so hopeless at times that i wouldn't do anything to hurt myself, but if something was to happen i would be thankful to not feel the pain anymore. 

Sunday, June 16, 2013


i am flipping exhausted, this is the longest week ever

monday night, had a guy that was a no call, no show.  this means that yesterday i was still working on a truck that should have been done wednesday.  i had to pull all of the dog food out of the back, work it and organize it.  thank goodness when i left, there was only one pallet left and receiving had been swept.  needless to say i hurt this morning. 

i got spoiled last semester, all i had to do was show up on thursday night and do people's taxes, and was done by april 15th.   this semester, i have to actually read books and do assignments.  every day this week i have gone to work then came home to eat a bowl of cereal and work on homework until it is time to go to bed.

i had a regional visit on thursday and i was unable to do really anything to prepare for it because i had to spend all wednesday afternoon with the police and my pill head employee.  i had an another employee come up to me and tell me that he had told her that he was fired because he got in the guy's face????  i just said no, he wasn't let go because he got in the guy's face.  why do people have to make themselves seem bigger than they are?  that never even happened, but i guess he feels like a bigger man saying he had an altercation with the guy instead of saying he is a thief. 

regional visit didn't go great, my future ex manager, couldn't prioritize if there was a million dollars at stake.  june 21 cannot come soon enough, i am sure he feels the same way.  then he shows up looking as if he has slept in a ditch.  he walks through the door carrying his shoes in his hands (late as usual).  he has on a wrinkled shirt, and pants that look as though he has walked through the desert for 40 years, shreds of fabric hanging off the bottom from where he has walked on them. 

friday was just crazy, crack head day. i told bobbi it was god's way of punishing us for laughing at people of walmart the day before.   yesterday, i was saying a prayer to god to help me make it through the day.

last night was the optimist carnival and i had to go and work from 7-9.  really, i am usually in bed by 8 and i absolutely would have been last night.  i did have some funnel cake, then regretted it, the sugar and grease was way too much and my stomach wasn't happy.  i left before the carnival was over and i was so exhausted that i had issues going to sleep. 

at wednesday's morning meeting, my husband told the president to stay away from him.  his wife comes and sees me on thursday asking why.  last night, the president wanted to talk to me, but i just blew him off.  i didnt have it to give.  i didnt realize that i was joining the drama club. 

today, the day i usually sleep all day and need it, i have to do a cover letter and a resume for my business communications class.  i would like to go out to my parents, but really do not have it to give for an altercation with my mother. 

the dogs didnt even get a ride to the donut shop, but i have done very well on my diet.  i think last night is the only day that i have gone over my calorie goal for the past two weeks and i am below 180.  now the issue is, most of my clothes are falling off of me.  oh well, i will just live in the same two pairs of capris for the summer.  i have my annual summit in san antonio this year, so finding clothes to wear for 5 days might be interesting....oh well, dresses always fit. 

after the bad karma i brought home from last years summit, i am not going early or staying late.  besides all i did was run up credit card bills, get stuck in detroit, get sick, and come home to heartache.  no thank you, i will stick to my diet, my budget, and be a good girl. 

Friday, June 14, 2013

selfish people

well a tiger never changes his stripes

my aunt takes care of my uncle, who is schizophrenic, her husband (who has cancer), and practically everyone else it seems like.  apparently when my grandmother passed away she left the house to all of her children.  my uncle has been living there and it is becoming clear that my uncle needs to have help other than my aunt...who is doing too much.  my adoptive father, my uncle's biological brother, the oldest of the family is useless.  my aunt is thinking of selling the house and putting my uncle in a small apartment, but will need financial help.  when my aunt asked my adoptive father to put his portion of the sale into taking care of my uncle, his reply was "i need that money",  more like his wife wants that money.....probably to take care of her kids. 

my sister, brother, and i have basically managed to raise ourselves with little help from him.  he draws a military pension, a pension from teaching, and he still works.  what in the heck could be costing him so much that he DESPERATELY needs that money.  i don't know why i let this surprise me and i would call him out on it, but he would just acted oblivious as to what the big deal is. 

so my aunt's husband had major surgery, my adoptive father was suppose to be taking care of my uncle.  he had an accident and had crapped all over himself.  butch was so aggravated that he couldn't even really help my uncle.  i remember when my mother hurt her back and was left to lay on the floor of that trailer we lived in, she had pneumonia, and butch was too busy with baseball and his other women to care for her.  she could have died (wow, that would give me all new issues to deal with).  i used to think it was because butch didn't deal well with sick people.  my grandmother had a hard pregnancy and lost the child when butch was younger and his grandmother told him something about it being his fault, that god was punishing him.  this would all make total sense with my cereal box psychiatry degree, but then he marries the most hypochondriac woman i have ever met.  if she says jump, i don't even think he asks how high, he just starts jumping. 

i cannot believe that some people can be so selfish.  i just want to scream. 

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

well said

some people are race horses and some people are content to be the soapers....

this is my new euphemism for people, my rlpm told me a story about a couple that he knew, the wife was driven.  She was a dm for a big company, her husband took a job as a bailiff when they moved to a new state.  he was content doing as little as he could to get by.  he said that his wife was a race horse, he is a soaper (the person who washes the horses).  i like it when people are able to be honest about their intentions in life. the world would be a much better place if we were all that honest about our capabilities. 

i have a regional visit tomorrow.  i had to spend my afternoon looking at surveillance video of an employee who decided they needed something that belonged to a customer worse than the customer did.  my other managers were upset to varying degrees.  i on the other hand have done this longer than most of them and most people's actions fail to surprise me any more.  i once had to fire my room mate for stealing, while i was on duty.  this is why i usually keep most people at arms length, because most of them when put their needs and wants over yours when given the chance and then i just become disappointed.  this is a grim way to look at employees, but it is the truth.  most theft, about 80%, is internal.  the boy is a pill head, so i tried to soothe one of my managers feeling of disgust with the fact that it was his addiction that was making decisions for him not him.  he replied, just because you put a pig in a tutu does not make it a ballerina.  well said. 

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

mirror, mirror, on the wall

i have spent my entire life trying to be perfect to please people, to not make their life difficult, to not inconvenience anyone

i take criticism to heart, after all i feel as though i have tried to do what would make other people in my life happy.  i just need to be like a duck and let it flow right off my back.  it is so ironic that the one thing that other people do that really hurts you or annoys you is the same thing that you are guilty of.  my only question is, how do you break the cycle.  i hate conflict so much that i usually strike like a snake when i have an issue.  i just bottle it up inside until i am angry then i just blurt it out and then recoil.  not necessarily waiting for an answer or rebuttal.  i suppose that i am not that used to people in my life caring enough to respond, or being afraid that their response would be to leave.  always afraid to ask for more.  besides, i am the queen of acting like everything is all right. 

this would be another lesson on how to stand on my own two feet, emotionally.  i am not perfect, never will be perfect, and if the people in my life cant accept my issues and my shortfalls, then they shouldn't be a part of my life. 

my next issue, is weeding out all of the drama.  this is really the reason why i have stopped talking to my people about their personal issues, trying to say as little as possible to encourage them to continue telling my their issues.  i need to take it one step further and always keep a task in my mind, so when they have free time to stand around (or worse yet follow me around) sucking the life out of me, i can whip out a task for them to go do and leave me alone. 

this is why i have no friends, i cannot stand needy people and i am the neediest of them all!!!

the B man

in december, my GSM found a weimaraner wondering through the parking lot.  he was covered in ticks and was underweight.  there was no room in any of the fosters because of his size and most people don't want to adopt large black dogs.  my husband was open to the idea of bringing him home, when we let him out of the kennel, he immediately walked to my husband and put his head under his arm.  off to the vet we went.  Buckley did an amazing job riding the truck, he put his butt on the seat, his front paws on the floor board, and his head right in between my husband and I.  vet was out on wednesday, so bubba had to stay the night. 

the last six months have been a learning experience.  bubba is about 2 years old and full of energy, paisely is lazy and it has been a long time since i have had someone in this house with that much energy.  bubba liked to redecorate the house often in the beginning.  he is able to open the door to my husbands office and once he trapped himself in the office and lunched on the mini blinds.  the day that he had dined on my husbands bible was the day that i almost lost my precious B.  i had to invest in a crate, i hated to see him jailed during the day, but i also didn't want to see him go to the pound where he would surely die.  thankfully, the crate only lasted a few months. 

B is an awesome alarm clock, this morning he woke me up at 6:15am and it is my day off.  he is a great defender of his new family.  he ensures that we are safe from all dangers....rabbits, cats, squirrels and the other day a box turtle that was trying to get to our neighbors yard.  i finally went out and helped the turtle through the fence, i am sure that my neighbor (the farmer) will be delighted.

he loves marshmallows and shares them with me often.  his weekly treat is a trip to the donut shop, where this week sarah gave him a donut hole....he is surely in love now. 

i sincerely think that animals pick us, i know that i am blessed to have this huge black dog in my life.  even on the worst days, he has more care in his eyes than i feel that i deserve, but he is my bubba. 

warning, given the chance he will run like a convict.  i now know why they traditionally bob the tails of weimaraners.....that dog can give a beating. 

Monday, June 10, 2013

shadows and hermaphrodites, yep

this morning i heard a man, who had been talking about a horrible ordeal he had been through, and the interviewer asked him how he was.  he said that a shrink had told him that it was kind of like his shadow it was always there, it was up to him how much he focused on it.  

i am too busy looking backward to turn around and live my life.  too busy trying to please other people.

i think it is hard for people in my life to live with me, to understand me, i think i could live like a shut in like my mother.  i am beginning to hate the sound of other people's voices and wish that they would stop talking to me.  yes, i forgot to take my afternoon anxiety medicine. 

i like that i am back in school again and that it is all online, i am able to shut myself away into my office with my cat and do my work.  be able to submerse myself into something other than my head. 

isn't it ironic, you always want to be somewhere other than where you are, doing something other than what you are doing.  maybe it is greed, we are raised in this world of "get it now".  it has affected (or is that effected) everything, it has killed our economy, we have started a war because we want our gas to go where we want to go in our huge SUVs NOW.  

i did find something interesting the other day, a dog that was a hermaphrodite (you are going to have to google that if you don't already know).  i read a blog about grooming (just so that i can realize that i am not in this alone) and while trimming the dogs nails, they noticed a protruding object.  they told the lady to go to the vet and she came back to tell them that her dog was a hermaphrodite, she could either have the extra appendage cut off or she would have to ensure that it was lubricated daily......i love my dogs, but that is more personal than i want to be. 

Sunday, June 9, 2013

weird dreams

last week was brutal...

by the time thursday afternoon was here, i had nothing left to give.  i took lunch, sat in the car and cried, came home and was in bed asleep by 7pm. 

someone found a bag full of kittens thrown in a dumpster behind a convenience store, they didn't even have their eyes open.  hateful customers.  incompetent people who want to run things their way.  i just did not have it to give.  friday my boss showed up and i think he pretty much knew i was done. 

i am trying to get back into the swing of school.  i took my first test last night and made an 80....i think that professors try to use the same tests that they lecture from, but don't realize that an online class has no lecture.  i answered the first 10 questions wondering if i had read the correct book. 

my other class is business communications and part of my first assignment is to write a resume...i want to send my instructor an email that states that i have a that a good enough resume?

i had very vivid and weird dreams last night.  i dreamed about a guy that was my boyfriend in high school.  he was the sweetest guy to me and i wished that i would have had the tools to treat him better.  but he went on and married someone else.

the grass is always greener on the other side. 

the morale to my stories are people in my past that i wished i would have treated better or people that i wished i wouldn't have given and lost so much.  as my brother would tell me, my picker is broke. 

ironically, as i sat and cried, my significant other just sat there.  i have decided that he just doesn't have it to give.  this is another lesson of me standing on my own two feet emotionally. 

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

not feeling it

"Are you something else that I am going to have to survive? 
If you are, let me tell you, I am not up to it."
Erin Brockovich
i feel as if this sums up most every relationship that i have been in...
someone always loses something when a relationship ends, there is never an amicable split.  i don't think that i have ever walked away from a relationship with more than i had when i went into it, it would probably help if they had not all been dysfunctional. even if i was the leaver, i left with guilt.  i was always the leaver.  then i would start this game of back and forth, getting off on the drama.  until i had my first real love, the kind of love and passion that makes your heart want to burst and your eggs taste better in the morning.  too used to fickle ways, i changed my mind then when i wanted to change it back, he was already banging my "friend" and giving his class ring to someone else.  i probably still blame myself for making the wrong decision.  the true irony is that he cheated on that girl with her "best friend" and married her.  they had many visits from the police and thus started my long road of attraction to men who would only be mean to me.  i still don't understand the insanity of how i regret being fickle and losing my first love.  he wasn't going to be different with me.  i would have been stuck living in a trailer, working at the grocery store with his mother, and being stuck in the cycle of domestic violence.  i settled for the next best thing, my ex husband, he was my first love reincarnated. this would fall under the category, be careful what you wish for. 
i have given so much advice on how not to navigate relationships that the sound of my voice annoys me, it would be nice if i would take some of this sage advice. 


"As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good" Genesis

I have had people who meant evil against me.  I have taken too much responsibility for the situation and my part in in it, it becomes difficult to blame people who have already fled the scene of the crime.  Time has passed and focusing on who is responsible for what is counter productive.  I just know that I have all of this pain and anger inside of me and no clue how to release it. 

Marriage therapist was telling a story the other day about a patient that he had while he was an intern.  The man was a smoker and was killing himself every day, our therapist was very upset and angry. His supervisor knew the anger was out of character for this person, so he asked him who the man had reminded him of, and it turned out that it was displaced anger for a family member that had drank himself to death. 

I am a member of a civic organization.  The president doesn't take his role seriously, making excuses about not ever being good at parliamentary procedure and I told him that it was his responsibility to know these procedures and it has been long enough that he shouldn't have to be told.  He is selfish and puts his interest above everyone else's and doesn't care what anyone else in group thinks.  I went to Monday's board meeting and asked if he was aware as to how many people he needed for an event that he wanted to do, he said yes and threw the paper at me. I sat the rest of the time playing on my phone.  I came home and told my husband that I don't think that I will be spending any more time with this civic organization.  I could pay half of my tuition this semester for what we spend on dues.  I am trying to figure out where my severe irritation for this person comes from and trying to decide if I am suppose to face the confrontation or just learn to live with it.  I think I have learned to live with enough in my lifetime. 

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

was today monday?

I started today off with a dead cat in my office....not a good sign

I am still not moving very quickly with my bad leg, it took my a bit longer to get out the door this morning.  I am trying to eat about 1200 calories a day to get my weight down.  I know this will only help my calf and ankle heal.  When you eat like this, it takes some planning, so I made my lunch, made my oatmeal and headed out the door in the rain.

I arrived at the store and was partly mindful of the two dogs running through the parking lot.  Bobbi heard the dogs barking at the back door, opened the door to see what they were barking at in the rain and they had the cat.  Bobbi scooped it up, brought it to the office.  I tried everything, gave it liquids, and even performed CPR to no avail. 

I was off for two days, the store is a mess and there is a dead cat in my office.....I finally had to laugh at the irony.  

I did come home and hug my cat extra tight.  watching that poor animal struggle for its last breath makes you realize how fragile their little lives are.  someone is probably looking for their cat tonight, which is why a cat's lifespan is diminished greatly when left outside. 

I am now struggling with what to do for comfort when I am having a tough time.  I stopped smoking which means I pretty much quit drinking.  I have to stop looking to food for comfort.  I have to wait for my leg to heal before I think I can get back to the pool.  I wanted to just run away today, but I stayed the course and it all worked out. 

I am glad that the new semester has started, it has given me something to look forward to, something to distract me from my misery. 

Sunday, June 2, 2013

today's rant

if you don't know me, then don't touch me
if you are sick, stay home, i do not want your germs

i have become incredibly guarded.  i am peeling off the mask that i wear to the public.  this is not going to go well.  in my life people don't really care what you think or how you feel.  i have spent decades perfecting being the people pleaser, isn't that what customer service is all about?  the customer is always right?  my emotions are raw, irritation comes easy, and my ability to sugar coat is gone.  i do still have the ability to not always say what is on my mind, but i will stand there and just stare at you. 

yesterday, a man shows up at 3 wanting to know where my adoption partner is, i tell him that they get there at 9am and leave around 2 (hello, they are volunteers and have a life).  i start to tell him where other places are that he can adopt animals.  i ask him if he knows where one of the places is.  silence.  i mutter under my breath, i guess he doesn't care.  i am not sure if he heard me or not, but i don't really care.  he needs to stop being a douche bag. 

i come back from the bank and there is a lady there, who starts the conversation off with "i am not sure if you remember me or not".  i hate that.  that is almost as annoying as "do you remember me".  if you have to ask, then probably not.  she shakes my hand, ugh, i don't know you, don't touch me.  i resist the urge to find the hand sanitizer.  she then proceeds to tell me, very forcefully, that she wants to work for my company at the retail level and then move to the corporate office.  she then goes into how her personal situation has changed, blah, blah, blah.  Lady, you are cutting into my time, my husband is waiting to take me to get eggs benedict and i am hungry.  i lie to her and tell her i have no open positions, because she is getting on my nerves and the number one rule i have about hiring employees is that if i want to smack them in the first 2 minutes that i meet them then it isn't advisable that we spend anymore time together.  aka, you arent hired. 

truck shows up a day late, i hurt my calf while unloading it and it is a miracle that i didn't get crushed by it when i was forced to let it just fly down the back of the semi uncontrollably.  there are 15 pallets, i have thrown 3 pallets of dog food, sweat running down my face and this lady wants to tell me about the this dog that she needs to get rid of...first, she touched me, asked me if i knew her, and then blah, blah, blah.  Lady, if i had a dollar for every person who had an animal that they needed a home for, then i wouldn't be here with a hurt leg, throwing this truck.  i look at this poor dog and it looks like benji but covered in fleas, ticks, and all sorts of things stuck in its hair.  Really, you want to find a home for this dog looking like that.  the only way someone is taking that dog off of your hands is because they feel sorry for it and you are obviously too stupid to adequately take care of it.

i am officially old and crotchety......and i do not care

the downward spiral

yesterday i hobbled myself home from work and crawled into bed....i am so disappointed in myself, i am at 190lbs.  what the heck did i let happen to myself.  i feel as though i have wasted the last year of my life, falling into a depression that i am not sure that i have found my way out of, feeling a sadness that has hit me at the bottom of my soul.

people used to be amazed by my energy to get things done and now, i go to work and come home to crawl into bed.  thank goodness i now actually sleep. 

i am so thankful to my psychiatrist and that i have been correctly diagnosed, she has saved my life.  the last couple of years i feel like a drug addict taking uppers to get the day going and downers to try to get some sleep to function. 

fear keeping me from making decisions about my personal relationships that caused me heartache that i had to suffer in silence.  i pinpoint my downward spiral to when i went to florida last year, was trapped in detroit, suffered a devastating blow that i was too naive to see coming, and spent the next two months sick.  this all just spiraled into the depression of the last year and i could sit here and cry when i think about it. 

reality is that my downward spiral started much earlier.  maybe even three years ago, i left a company that i was incredibly proud to work for, feeling such betrayal from people that i had trusted.  i went to work for a company that treated me well, but i am now distrustful of all people in business.  i spent a few years not giving it my all, because i didn't have it to give and i wasn't going to end up in the same situation...i am probably still that way.  business had never let me down, it was always there for me, the gratitude, the feeling of satisfaction when i gave it my all, then the people that had always given me my drug of choice (words of affirmation) turned their backs on me, i didn't know where to go to get my drug.  i changed companies, half assed my new job, and found my drug in school, reveling in the As.....having to have them. 

okay, then i decide to run for office.  i am already running a store, going to school, and have the excitement of a person from my past being my new drug pusher.  i am feeling passionate (something i haven't felt in a very long time), i am swept away and engulfed by the new feelings.  needing to be rescued, but knowing this was not the situation that i would be rescued in, but it was my drug and i had to have it.   i couldn't leave the security of my current situation for the uncertainty of a new one.  i had made too many mistakes before, that i had spent years regretting.  i knew that his intensity was declining, i was told as much, and i definitely couldn't leave for someone wasn't fully committed/immersed. you never want to be the one that loves more, that never ends well. i couldn't jump and have no one there to catch me, that had already happened before and i had become lost.

then i was dismissed by an email. 

there became a time when i had to decide if the pride of running a good store or winning the election was more important.  i had already committed to the store.  this is probably a coup out.  campaigning was more like being a door to door salesperson.  the other team had a girl that used to work for me and she was all about character assignation, telling anyone who would listen what a bad manager i was.  i wondered yesterday what i had done to her that was so bad that she felt the need to say such hateful things about me.  heck, i had given her a job and i thought that i had treated her well.  women will be women, ants in a bucket. 

this is probably why i am so protective of my integrity and have no issue with confronting anyone who may question it. 

during this time, my eating and spending was out of control.  i finally paid off my credit card (with my bonus, waste) and now i am starting to control what i put in my mouth.  i have started therapy (marriage and personal), so i am hoping this is a year of positive rebuilding.  i am concerned about backsliding, i don't think that i have the strength to pull myself out of this hole again.