putting on my big girl panties

I worked through my Chester issue. 

I was upset because once again i picked butch.  I thought that i had chosen better, but the chasing after a younger woman, the whole making sex such a dirty thing with the naked pictures reminded me of butch when i was growing up. 

Once again it makes me unsure of myself when making decisions. 

I did finally enroll for school, not sure how i will pay for it, but i have released that to God. 

I have been so grateful lately.  My roof was probably about 2 years overdue for a replacement.  We had a hail storm and the insurance guy came out, totalled my roof and the building out back.  I am hoping that i will get the check soon so that the new roof will be put on. 

I have also refinanced my house.  I am suppose to close on that tomorrow as well.  I am just going to give it to God that i have the money to cover the closing costs. 

I would have never imagined that i would be doing all of this alone, but at almost 42.  I think that it is time that i put on my big girl panties. 

I have stopped beating myself up for yet another failed marriage.  I prayed to God for forgiveness.  My therapist told me to forgive myself.  I think the story of Chester snapped me back to the reality of that isn't the type of person that i want to spend my life with, which was the reason why i left in the first place.  He was making me into someone i didn't like.  I will take responsibility of the mistakes that i made during the marriage.  I learned during my first marriage to pick your battles.  I think Chester taught me how important partnership is and to not let anyone else in your marriage. 

I have been spending more time with God and his word, which has really help keep me more centered. 

I still eat horribly, which between that and my medication makes me tired. 

My other half is having financial issues and i was starting to take on those issues, they are short term, but i have realized that they aren't my issues to fix.  I am proud of myself for having some healthy boundaries.  I take time for myself when i need it and he is caring enough to give it to me.