Thursday, July 31, 2014

unfair and invalidating

twenty days ago, i had my boss at my store and i felt like a failure because another manager had to come in and clean up my store....not sure if it helped much, but she did spend a lot of money

i went and got my haircut, came home with such a sense of desperation that i just couldn't stand it

i finally sat in my office and cried, i am not sure if it helped any, but i hate the world a little less these days and have a little more gratitude

i went and saw my therapist with the simple question of "is this my new normal", should i just get used to feeling this way?

i went and saw my psychiatrist and he asked if i felt like killing myself, no, but i understand why people do it.  my only fear would be the people i would leave behind and how it would kill them.  also i still have enough wits about me that if i messed it up, then i would be in a tough spot. 

i will never understand why doctors like certain medications and refuse to change, so i am on a new medication now.  it hasn't even been a week.  the good thing i can say is that i don't feel much like eating, but still want to sleep every chance possible.  i am hoping and praying that by the end of this prescription i have a different attitude and see at least some improvement.  it has been two years, just saying that makes me want to cry. 

i am reading a book about depression and it is called, walking on water when you feel like you are drowning.  it is written by two men, who are pastors, and fell into a depression for two different reasons.  One because he was over scheduled, which i used to be the queen of and super proud of it, and the other because his wife died while giving birth to their child. 

i was telling my therapist about my visit with my RVP and how it sent me into a tailspin, she said it mirrored my experience with my last job which was unfair and invalidating.  It is like a failed relationship that i don't know how to let go of, now i am too scared to give to my new relationship then become shocked when i don't get any recognition.

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