twenty days ago, i had my boss at my store and i felt like a failure because another manager had to come in and clean up my store....not sure if it helped much, but she did spend a lot of money
i went and got my haircut, came home with such a sense of desperation that i just couldn't stand it
i finally sat in my office and cried, i am not sure if it helped any, but i hate the world a little less these days and have a little more gratitude
i went and saw my therapist with the simple question of "is this my new normal", should i just get used to feeling this way?
i went and saw my psychiatrist and he asked if i felt like killing myself, no, but i understand why people do it. my only fear would be the people i would leave behind and how it would kill them. also i still have enough wits about me that if i messed it up, then i would be in a tough spot.
i will never understand why doctors like certain medications and refuse to change, so i am on a new medication now. it hasn't even been a week. the good thing i can say is that i don't feel much like eating, but still want to sleep every chance possible. i am hoping and praying that by the end of this prescription i have a different attitude and see at least some improvement. it has been two years, just saying that makes me want to cry.
i am reading a book about depression and it is called, walking on water when you feel like you are drowning. it is written by two men, who are pastors, and fell into a depression for two different reasons. One because he was over scheduled, which i used to be the queen of and super proud of it, and the other because his wife died while giving birth to their child.
i was telling my therapist about my visit with my RVP and how it sent me into a tailspin, she said it mirrored my experience with my last job which was unfair and invalidating. It is like a failed relationship that i don't know how to let go of, now i am too scared to give to my new relationship then become shocked when i don't get any recognition.
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