the bottom

i don't think that i have ever felt such a sense of desperation

i don't even know if that is the correct word, i used to say overwhelmed, exhausted...emotionally and physically.  i used to feel this blackness inside that went to the bottom of my soul, so i started meditating to inhale the light and exhale the darkness.  i used to say my give a crap was broken.  i blamed it on living with a person who was unable to express any sort of kindness or caring.  i blamed it on burn out from a job that i gave everything too and had my reputation ruined and finally was forced to give up the fight and leave.  i blamed it on being raised by two broken people.  living in the past, not the present.  not being able to cry over my mother being dead.  feeling as if i let god down by getting divorced AGAIN.  having an emotional affair with someone whom i loved and broke up with me via email. dealing with ungrateful customers and employee for more years that i care to count. 

i have allowed my spending to go into overdrive.  amazingly enough, my weight is still good, because i don't eat much and i spend most of my time trying not to pass out and dealing with migraines. 

i need to sit and cry for about three days, but when i have the time, i don't have the emotion and when the emotion hits, it is in front of my RVP. 

i feel as though i am going crazy, maybe i have already been there or at least some sort of state of crazy

i used to drink to feel better
i used to eat to feel better
i shop and that sometimes makes me feel better, but now i just feel like a teenager with their first credit card

if i continue to not eat though, i will be forced to shop because none of my clothes will fit

i am great about putting on my make up and going out into the world and looking as if i have it all together and i am not sure if this helps or hurts my sense of desperation. 

lord, i pray that this is my bottom because i cannot do this anymore and i have no clue what to do to make it stop, except cry out to God for help.