lessons learned, earned, and shared

so my little app from history reminded me of last year, my mother dying, getting divorced, getting married, having a step daughter, god removing some toxic people from my life. 

it all happened so quickly, the divorce was something that i needed to do years before.  we were just roommates.  i can remember when we first split up and i think it was my first month paying bills by myself and my car payment was to automatically drafted from my account.  I wake up to this email and it was from my bank about how my automatic payment was denied because i had insufficient funds.  I felt like a failure, like maybe i couldn't do this on my own.  I was out of town on a business meeting, had no way to look up my account, when i knew there was more than enough money in the account to cover my car payment.  I was determined not to call him and ask him for help.  I called the bank and it was a glitch in the system and now every month i get the email, i just smile and remember how my faith in myself was shaken that day. 

Now i use my beloved spreadsheet and make up the budget, pay the bills and thank god that we find a way each month.  We are still paying 2 house payments and all of the bills that go with that, it has been 6 months since my husband and daughter moved from that house and we made a home together.  I can actually say that for once it seems like home. I know that the house will sell when it is the right time, my husband gets caught up in "when the house sells".   Where i only know to deal with the here and now.  I call it our "new reality" and maybe that is what the last year taught me.  I still don't think i know how to live in the moment, but i have gotten better at "being here" for the sake of my daughter because i don't ever want her to feel like i felt.  She is so beautiful and smart and sure of herself and so willing to put herself out there, playing softball listening to coach get on to her.  I see that and i am so wishful for that mentality because i would be standing on that field crying.  I tell her my stories of failure so that she knows that it happens.  Try to explain motives of boys and how she should be treated and she should never expect anything less.  I hope her father and i show her somewhat of a healthy relationship (the healthiest that i have ever been in). 

I just try to be the cool step mom who listens, tries not to judge, tries not to intrude on her personal boundaries, and hopefully she can learn from my lessons.