self loather from way back

i went to get my hair cut last week

i am not sure what was said but i began thinking earlier in the day about my first love.  i don't know why i went down that memory lane, but it wasn't to think of would've, could've, should've.  It was to ask "what happened to that girl and her self esteem". 

my first love was abusive, not really to me.  Unfortunately, his first wife seem to take the brunt and when the cops had to continually show up at his house, it was evident.  when i heard that i remember looking back and seeing all of the signs, i wasn't used to that and since we had been friends for many years, i didn't understand it.  i would just leave or tell him that we needed to discuss whatever when he calmed down.  i was leaving once and i thought he was going to tear his front door off the hinges. 

i wondered where i had lost that self assuredeness and starting allowing people to invade my boundaries, treat me badly, and make me feel responsible.  most importantly, when did i start staying.  i think it was because of this relationship.  he went away to work for the summer and i cruised town, dated another guy, and knew that he would never forgive me and it would be over when he came back. I went to go and see him and he said the exact opposite, he said that he loved me and wanted me.  I was thrown a curve ball, didn't know how to react, so i needed some time.  He didn't take that too well, we did get back together for a short amount of time and then he cheated on me at the high school football game.  I lost the love of my life and my best friend that year, i had no one really to lean on and i just spiralled into my first really bad depression.  I was living with my mother who was working all kinds of strange hours, my dad was going to law school (something he didn't really want to do) and you could really tell the strain that was taking on their marriage.  i am sure that i didn't really help since my mother and i had a relationship that was to one extreme or the other. 

i beat myself up for not staying for many years afterward.  i think i married my first husband because he reminded me of my first love.  unfortunately, they were way too much alike. 

i never talked to my first Love's ex wife about what had happened.  i know they stayed married a long time, i am not sure who left who.  thankfully they never had children.

i did feel a little twinge of jealously when i heard that he had gotten married, had a child, and they owned two houses in two states so that they could be close to both of their parents.  i pray that his new wife will never have to see the person that his ex wife and i did. 

the defining moment of self loathing was when i had convinced myself that he would never love anyone the way he loved me.  then i was sitting on the stairs during lunch one day, him and her were standing in the foyer and i saw the way that he was holding her hand and looking at her and i told myself right then and there "see, i am not that special" and carried it for far too many years.