Monday, March 16, 2015

Time wasted

So.....I was married 6 years ago on pi day.  By the way, I am so glad that day is over, it was annoying.

Ironically enough I had received a letter from social security for him.  I thought about being crappy and just throwing it away or write on it that he didn't live here.  I thought about making him be inconvenienced to come and get it from me but then I would have to see him and he would just be a jerk and upset me.  I dropped it off at his dad's building.  I then sent him a text telling him it was there, he replies that he will get it the next day after church.  Then I suppose he remembered common courtesy and sent a thank you. Not wanting to engage in a conversation, I didn't respond.

He was impotent, I had wondered, but didn't ask before we got married.  So I do take some of the blame.  I could've had an annulment. That was my fault as well.  I am angry that I wasted (yes I realize how exaggerated I sound) 6  years of my life, of my reproductive life because I made a promise before God, family, and friends.  We had planned to have a family and now I am 42 and don't want to be 60 when my child turns 18. I was 35 when we married, it would've been great to start a family then.  I know that everything happens for a reason. I would just be irritated now because I would have to deal with him forever.  I am not sure now that he could've been selfless enough to have a child.  He was obviously too immature in our marriage to think of someone else, I am sure a child wouldn't have changed that.  Maybe I would've left earlier, to shield my child from his anger and selfishness.  Maybe he was angry at his situation, angry that he wouldn't do anything about it, angry that he had it to begin with.  I wouldn't know, he wouldn't talk to me without it becoming an argument.

Sadly, it took that to finally make me realize what I really did want in a relationship and to stop letting other people abuse me.

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