Intimacy

exactly where does all of the time go.....

i look at my last post it was over 2 weeks ago

Speaking of time.  I love my timehop updates.  I had one from my bacherolete party before I married Skippy.  I think back to that time and the hopes I had for the future.

I am grateful now that we weren't able to have a family.  I don't think I would have the patience to deal with him.  Then I wonder if he would've been able to have sex or had pursued correcting the problem if we would have split up. 

I don't think that he ever understood how deceived I felt.  I really do believe that if I had not brought up the subject that he would have probably never acknowledged it, even though I suppose he never did.

I don't know how you unsee things, how you unremember events. I truly believe that time heals all wounds but I am not sure time can remove memories that are branded into your soul.

I used to think that God put Skippy and I together so I didn't have to deal with my intimacy issues but when he wanted to get naked and cuddle.  I just felt dirty. 

I know some of my intimacy issues come from butch and his view of women and how he treated women.  Literally and figuratively.  I don't think that it was healthy to have a daughter in the house with porn.  Magazines, books, videos, you name it.  I don't think you should hear your parent having sex with some random person in the next room.  We lived in a trailer, he had a water bed and the entire house would shake when he was having sex.  The first time it happened, I was maybe 9.  I was scared, didn't have a clue what was happening and even more embarrassing was I had a friend over.  I wanted to die.

Then my ex husband.  He thought since I was his wife that sex was my duty and if I didn't want to have sex with him then I should lay there in bed while be had sex with someone else.