missing my childhood

I heard neil diamond the other day. my mother adored neil diamond.

today on the way back from my therapists, I had google play some neil diamond. She had an album when I was younger and she would play it and I always tried to find the song and never had any luck. It was the first song that played today. it was a beautiful day today, a day that she really would have liked.

I am still finding pennies and thinking of her. after the plaque hostage situation last month, I was a bit shaken. I found quite a few pennies. I dismissed one because I found it on the floor at the dollar tree and it was right in front of the register. I thought about keeping it but then suddenly became concerned what the people behind me would think so I gave it to the cashier. for some reason I doubt the people behind me were thinking nothing other than if they were going to get checked out before the cashier died. she was a little too old to be working a cash register and it made me wonder did she not have a retirement, did her husband leave her to fend for herself. it made me sad, thinking that I don't want to be ringing up dollar items in a bright green shirt at her age but if I don't get my finances together this will be me.

my therapist asked me what it was like to have no father in my life growing up. it made me mad that I didn't have a childhood. I was happy when my parents decided to divorce. the tension was always so thick in the house. I am sure this is why I have anxiety. then my mom left and I was left with butch who spent his time being angry about everything. to this day I get anxious around angry people. when my mom left I was 9, I took care of myself. I got myself up to go to school. I did laundry. butch either had weekend warrior, late night classes on Tuesday and Thursday, or he was coaching baseball that I was usually alone or lived at my best friends house.

lol, I thought they were so rich. I lived in a trailer house and was lucky if I had more than 2 pairs of pants to wear (this might explain why I am a clothes horse now). My best friend could go an entire week without doing laundry. her mom was a stay at home mom and she cooked at least 2 meals a day. I was lucky if there was milk or cereal. butch would buy groceries at the first of the month and that lasted all week. heck, I buy 2 gallons of milk and I am lucky if that lasts all month. I really cant judge though, I am horrible at managing my money and I know that I wouldn't have any money at the end of the month.

I wonder if I will ever get over these issues. the self esteem and anxiety are the worse ones for me.

I told my therapist once that I didn't feel like I was good enough, she asked me what good enough meant. I still am not sure.