major life events

There are four major life events; marriage, divorce, birth, and death.

My mother died Wednesday the 12th at 1:50am.  My dad called me to tell me that hospice had called and she wasn't doing well.  I went to the nursing home and sat.  She had the death rattle and her temperature kept rising.  I know that i should have felt some emotion but 7 months of therapy has enabled me to let her go.  I know this sounds rash but i was very concerned about my father financially, we had no long term care insurance since no one with brain cancer lives this long and it was costing him $4k a month to keep her in the nursing home.

About midnight i grabbed a blanket and laid in the extra bed.  My dad told me to go home, there was nothing i could do for her and he would call me if anything new happened.  I told him i wasn't leaving him. 

Ironically when my ex husband left he took my favorite Scottie dog blanket.  Someone had made my mother a Scottie dog blanket and it was sitting in her wheelchair.  I slept with that blanket until 1:45 when the hospice nurse woke me up.  I walked to her bed and her eyes had finally opened.  Her chest heaved up and down more out of habit than for actual oxygen.  I kissed her on the forehead, tried to close her eyes while everyone around me tried to get a plan together.  My dad was confused since he no longer had mother to take care of and this had been his routine for so long.  He finally walked over and kissed her once again and told her there was nothing he could do for her now.  I grabbed my new blanket, walked with my father to the car and called my boyfriend. 

The most awesome thing was that my boyfriend (sounds weird to say) and best friend have been friends since we were all freshman.  They already had a plan together.  They showed up early and didn't leave me for the entire day.  I think that my best friend cried more than i did.  I didn't actually cry until the day we met with the preacher to talk about the ceremony and he said a prayer.  I think this has more to do with my feeling that i disappointed God than it did with my mother passing.