packets from the past

Thursday, we drank coffee and made a list

pictures, must have pictures for the video.  my best friend and i went through the photo albums here and then went to her house to search for more pictures.  We found 147.  Then i found some of the pieces to my past.  There were four packets; ed, butch, Rodney, and misc.  I suppose when you know you are going to die you can prepare packets for people in your life.  I found love letters from my biological father to my mother and visa versa.  It all becomes relative.  My mother was born in 1949 and i was born in 72 and it seems as though their love affair had started 2 years before that.  She was 21 when she met my father. Some of the letters seemed to indicate that my father was married when their affair had started.  It was hard for me to see the woman that i knew as being hard and mean as a sexual being that was once soft and caring.  I haven't had it to give to make it to the other packets.  My sister went through her father's, my adoptive father's and it seemed that he had one last holiday with his first family before going back to California to be with my mother.  I have to remind myself that she was still in her twenties and had no clue that getting involved with a married man wasn't the wisest thing to do....if they will do it with you, they will do it to you.  I found it very ironic that their marriage ended because of his infidelity.  I am not much better.   I was a married woman sleeping with someone other than my husband but then again we had never consummated our marriage so i am not sure that is infidelity.  Semantics.  Sin is sin. 

I wrote the obituary.  I picked the songs for the video.  Good thing mother always said that funerals were for the living.  I picked the Beatles song, yesterday.  She hated the Beatles, thought they were to commercialized.  Bob Seger, turn the page, because i love that song and it was the only song that i saw my parents dance to.  Kate Bush, Woman's Work because sister and i have decided we want that song played at our funeral and a Neil diamond song because mother loved Neil diamond. 

The family aisle was made up of my dad and i, my boyfriend, niece, sister, and best friend. 

I guess you never truly feel like a grown up until a parent dies, then you realize that you have one less person in your life that has your back.  Then again I am not sure that she ever did.