Head like a hole

Thursday was tough.

I went to see my psychiatrist. I feel as though he doesn't get the grasp of my depression so i wore my pajamas. I didn't even brush my hair.

I have spent a lifetime with people who wouldn't or couldn't acknowledge my feelings. No one is better at that than i am. I put my mask on and tell people that i am fine because i live in the world of "the customer/employee doesn't care how you feel, just get them what they want or they will complain".

I cried on my way to tahlequah because my hands remind me of my mother's and i miss her.

The doctor asked me what i did and if i liked it "yes.......no, i really don't".

I was confused. How many animals do you have "2 cats, 3 dogs.......no, 3 cats".

All of the recent events have been overwhelming. I wanted to cut to relieve the pressure but didn't because i can't stand to see the look of fear in my husband's eyes.

I reached out to my sister. She wants me to go away and get help. I am too afraid that I am circling the drain and if i lose the only thing that forces me to get out of bed daily and focus on something other than my dysfunctions i will fall into a black hole and never be able to find my way out. I am scared i won't go back to work.

Last night, i had a feeding frenzy that scared me and made me want to puke so today i restricted myself to eating nothing.

I started with a snack of pepperoni and cheese until i had eaten almost the entire pack of pepperoni. Then i wanted something sweet, i ate half a tub of icing then i needed something to counteract the sugar so back to the pepperoni. I made a casserole and ate 2 helpings....i just wanted to purge. I am afraid that is a dangerous road i won't be able to refrain from.

I can get high on my food. Purge. Lose weight and feel some control. Win, win.

When can i get all of this blackness out of my soul and live life?