Funerals

Today i went to a funeral for a man a few years older than dad. Ironically, tomorrow is his birthday. I am sure that it was too close to home.

This man talked to his son daily, sometimes twice a day. I don't know what to think about this. I have never been that close with my family.  It makes me wonder if i even have the ability to be that close to anyone.

I see how my husband loves me no matter how crabby i am to him, no matter if i am unable or unwilling to give myself to him physically. I can't believe how he just continues to give. How he just loves me more.

I am not made that way. If you don't meet my needs, i pull back, not out of spite but out of protection for my own being.

Rodney would say that my mother would've felt that way.

It makes me angry that i allow him to live in my head, judge me, making me feel bad, while he is being mr perfect. I am still struggling with wanting to be understood by people who have no want nor need to understand me.