the waves

"looking back on the memory of.....for a moment all the world was right....and now i'm glad that I didn't know the way it all would end, the way it all would go"

garth brooks the dance

I wish that I was able to tell you the defining moment that I went off the rails.

I can tell you the defining moment of when I knew both of my marriages were over. My last one was the day my ex dropped me off on the street. I had to fight with him for two days to get a half hearted apology.

my first husband was when we went to his parents for Christmas and the box of Christmas ornaments went flying out of the back of the truck. we were on the interstate so it was dangerous to turn around. I mumbled something about how it was okay because it would probably be our last Christmas together. that did not go over well.

the defining moment with my adoptive father was when I was trying to talk to him about something that was important to me and his fiancée pulled up, honked the horn and he darted out of the house mid conversation.

I wish I could tell you the defining moment with my mom. I feel as if there were many ups and downs but we always came back together. as much as I miss her, I cant say if she was still here that it would be any different. I think she would be good for my daughter and my nephews. we would've bonded over the kids. it may have helped me heal some wounds about my childhood but then again some wounds never heal.

I have been on the merry go round of therapy, medication, and doctors....lots and lots of doctors. I have succumbed to this is the best that modern medicine can do for me. I haven't learned to navigate the waves of my bipolar yet. I don't know that I ever will.



we all know the defining moment with my step dad "I cant help you, you need to find god"