stopping the legacy

so....the holidays have come and gone except new years and we usually stay home because we have neurotic animals and I don't want to get killed by a drunk driver, it just gives me anxiety.

I am now the proud owner of 2 totes full of my legacy. Pictures of people I don't know and looming family secrets.  I have no children (I imagine Syd wouldn't have a clue to do with it either since she has met none of these people), my aunt, and uncle have no children.  This is my mothers side of the family so my sister has no use for it and I would give it to my aunt anyway.  I just sat here and looked at it all and thought, this is my legacy and some day, someone will just throw it in the trash.  I took out the pictures of Ryan and mementos from his childhood.  I sent him a picture the other night of him and mother. He had never seen any pictures of him and mother, he said he didn't realize how beautiful our mother was. I guess I never thought about it and it sounded weird. I have never heard anyone say "our mother".  I guess i was just shocked that he actually considered her a mother. I don't think i would have but he is obviously a better person than i am. I got out all of the pictures of me and had some of my paternal grandparents. Joe pointed out that my grandmother and I have the same hands. I look at all of these pictures and try to find some familiar feature that will link them to me and I don't see it, other people do but I don't. Sometimes i think they are just trying to be polite. I see similarities in my actions that remind me of my mother, which is usually irritating. 

I did go to Rodney's for Christmas, it was Joe, Syd, her beau, and I. I didn't really have any expectations. I was very thankful that they changed the living room furniture, it took away some of the ghosts. Earlier in the day i had made pumpkin bars....not sure what happened but they didn't set up. I had to go to the store and feed the animals anyway so i bought new ingredients (breaking my ban from shopping on holidays). I was able to find/have everything except cream cheese which Rodney and Dana had so i went to their house and cooked. I have accepted that isn't my home anymore so i wasn't as liberal as i once would have been, it wasn't awkward, i just knew my place. i even knocked at the door, which is something i would have never done before. it made me think of the last day mother and i got into it, which may have been the last day i ever saw her lucid, she told me the house rules which were to knock before i came in and to not show up uninvited. Ironic.

we played dirty Santa. i was number 2, so everyone took my gifts. I finally ended up with a choice between the gift i brought or the extra gift that Dana had. It was a new scentsy warmer, it doesn't even take a light bulb which is awesome because half the ones we have the bulbs are burned out and we cant seem to buy the correct ones. so they just sit around gathering dust which means one day i will throw them away...another thing that i just had to have that will be donated.