This is all

I do believe this was the most stressless holiday that i have ever had. We even have a tree and it is decorated.

I think having syd around has been good for me, joe is good for me. I struggled so hard to be understood in my relationships but either the person was unable or didn't understand the importance. Joe and i had similar backgrounds but i reacted differently, he learned to be accepting of people. I put people down so that i would feel like i was better than them. Joe has never made me feel as though there was something wrong with me. I think that had allowed me to be more accepting of myself, to be a kinder person to others and myself.

I don't feel responsible for other people's feelings. Supposedly butch has been moping around asking sister if he was a bad father. I don't look at it in terms of good or bad. I do blame him for using me as a weapon against my mother. I don't know if he was aware of it at the time but i think that he was so angry that he didn't know how to do anything other than hurt her.

I wasn't trying to make him feel bad that day he called me. I only wanted to tell him my perspective on growing up. I told him that i didn't feel as if he did any of those things with malice. I just feel as if he didn't think at all. He was too busy trying to prove something with sleeping around, being a baseball coach (which he wasn't paid for), and his weekend warrior job.

My choice is to no longer participate in a relationship with an angry individual who is unable to see things from someone else's perspective. I have spent a lifetime with people who i had to battle with to get them to either acknowledge my feelings or see things from my perspective. I can't and won't do that any longer. I just don't have the fight in me.

I think he loved me the best he could. The end.