Mean girls

So sydni is being shunned by the means girls. I don't have a clue what to do for her but i feel so bad.

I try to do what i wished someone else would've done for me.

I opened my door and gave someone a door ding today. I felt bad (not bad enough to leave a note). I am subscribing Woodley"s theory of Christianity and karma. How many people left me a door ding and didn't say a thing, besides they were parked over the line and that is why i park in BFE!

Maybe boundaries means narcissism.

I was told my ex assistant was committed, his wife walked in and found him standing with a handful of pills in the bathroom. She packed him up and took him away. One of the girls said she saw him on thursday, he hadn't slept in 3 days and looked as if the blood had ran from his body.

Wow.

Blue pill

These are my three emotions; exhaustion, depression, and/or irritation.

I cooked lunch yesterday, ate, and went to bed. I am sure some of it was working 6 days this week, getting up early and cooking, and fighting this cold.

I asked my sister if her depression still got her like that, she said not since she got her meds right. I get so sad, thinking that i might always feel this way.

I want to go back in time and take the blue pill. I want to go back before i knew that life could be different, should be different.

Of course, everyone who works for me is scared that i am going to fall off the deep end and end it all. 

Thanksgiving

Today is thanksgiving and i am missing my mom.

I am thinking of Thanksgivings past. The family i was suppose to have with skippy. Oregon. All of the Thanksgivings that i had at my mother's. We would start cooking whenever watching Christmas Story as the day went by. I remember her trying to make ham gravy, it came out pink.

I have found myself talking to mom today, knowing she would be impressed that i have used a recipe and measuring spoons/cups.

I thought about sending Rodney a happy thanksgiving text but then decided that i just needed take my previous advice and shut up. It was probably a good thing because i hadn't heard from him either. A man that was married to my mother once.

Hey, hey jealousy

So.....i went and picked up my sister today. I saw my niece, great niece, niece, dad, and his wife.

We all survived.

Once again a woman who is jealous of my relationship with my father.

I had a friend call me today whom i had not talked to since the rodney debacle.

He said the issue was that my step mom was jealous of the relationship that rodney had with my mom therefore extending to me. 

I don't think that way. I think that i did something wrong. Something that i needed to explain away, which is why i kept talking when i needed to just shut up!

My poor sister has limited exposure. I think i have overwhelmed her with my constant talking. I am either full speed or broke down on the side of the road. We stopped at a store and i am excitedly talking to the clerk, my sister, myself and i walk off. Sister is overwhelmed. The clerk looks at my frazzled sister and states "that must be your sister......explains it all".

The rebuild

"A master of taking care of the feelings and problems of others, Sherrie feels like a miserable failure. Sherrie's unproductive energy, fearful niceness, and overresponsibility to the core of the problem: Sherrie suffers from severe difficulties in taking ownership of her life."
Boundaries, Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend.

Spot on.

I look at myself as a problem solver, this is my job in life.

A friend of ours has a project where he has to analyze a relationship.  He picked us because i have a series of disastrous relationships and joe had only been married once before.

He asked us a series of questions. It was eye opening and i felt amazing as if i had a great therapy session. I rated myself as a 7 as a wife. I feel bad that being raped has kept me from being intimate as much as my husband would like. I have been extremely irritated lately.

I wasn't able to take the same days off as joe this week. I am home alone tonight. I took advantage of the time. I took a detox bath. I found some music on the satellite and took the time to read.

Joe called to check on me and this is most like me that i have felt in a really long time.

I am hoping that i have been torn down enough that God is rebuilding me.

I wish i were special

There was a post on pinterest about a link between depression and clutter. I am clutterless and it only seems to help my anxiety.

I am however irritated 24/7. I am sure my husband wants to slip me a roofie just so i will stop complaining.

Yesterday was a cluster. I took my foster dog to the store, my groomer recognized the dog as her ex's. It went downhill from there. He showed up and thought it would be cool to be a jerk to me. I get done with that and walk out to my ex assistant. I hear someone asking me how i was doing. I didn't answer because they were behind me. I turned around because i didn't hear the other cashier answer. I told him i wasn't trying to be rude, i didnt see him standing there, he said it was okay because i was busy.

I suppose he was coming to see the store before it closes down.  He told my manager's husband that we would close without him.

It reminded me of my sad time at depot. I really believed that store would close after i left (not just because of me but because of too much competition).

Just another time in my life when i realized i wasn't special.

Head like a hole

Thursday was tough.

I went to see my psychiatrist. I feel as though he doesn't get the grasp of my depression so i wore my pajamas. I didn't even brush my hair.

I have spent a lifetime with people who wouldn't or couldn't acknowledge my feelings. No one is better at that than i am. I put my mask on and tell people that i am fine because i live in the world of "the customer/employee doesn't care how you feel, just get them what they want or they will complain".

I cried on my way to tahlequah because my hands remind me of my mother's and i miss her.

The doctor asked me what i did and if i liked it "yes.......no, i really don't".

I was confused. How many animals do you have "2 cats, 3 dogs.......no, 3 cats".

All of the recent events have been overwhelming. I wanted to cut to relieve the pressure but didn't because i can't stand to see the look of fear in my husband's eyes.

I reached out to my sister. She wants me to go away and get help. I am too afraid that I am circling the drain and if i lose the only thing that forces me to get out of bed daily and focus on something other than my dysfunctions i will fall into a black hole and never be able to find my way out. I am scared i won't go back to work.

Last night, i had a feeding frenzy that scared me and made me want to puke so today i restricted myself to eating nothing.

I started with a snack of pepperoni and cheese until i had eaten almost the entire pack of pepperoni. Then i wanted something sweet, i ate half a tub of icing then i needed something to counteract the sugar so back to the pepperoni. I made a casserole and ate 2 helpings....i just wanted to purge. I am afraid that is a dangerous road i won't be able to refrain from.

I can get high on my food. Purge. Lose weight and feel some control. Win, win.

When can i get all of this blackness out of my soul and live life?

Bipolar and codependent

"If you understood it, then you would be it"
The Martha Project

This quote was about a child growing up with in a single parent home with a bipolar mother.

"Mental illness like bipolar is barely understood by professionals.  You may never understand why your parent is the way they are.
Why are they irrational.
Why are they so uncaring.
Why are they so unattached."

No one ever talked about my mother and her ways. I can only assume that she was bipolar based on things i have read.

One day Rodney's new wife took it upon herself to tell me that she thought my mother had been molested by her father. Why she thought it was appropriate to share this information with me i will never understand.

I have always worried about my inability to attach to people. I will cut people out of my life quickly. As my sister would say "that's one less person in the world you are talking to..". I have been concerned that i had a psychopathic inability to form bonds with people.

Butch had a low self esteem after mother left. He was determined to prove his worth by sleeping with any woman that suited his fancy.  i had desperately wanted and needed a mother figure in my life, so i welcomed these women into our life. Butch was happier when he had someone, i had become so codependent with him that it made me happier too. This might explain my failure to be autonomous.

My therapist told me that having a revolving door of people through my life when i was younger made me unwilling to establish relationships as i got older. Life had taught me that people were temporary.

Butch wasn't in the greatest state of mind so he didn't attract or choose the most stable people. Most were students, some were married, and
they were mostly young. 

Invalidation

I am the person who sucks the life out of you.

I went to therapy and we talked about how to set boundaries. How to keep the Dustin situation from happening again. How to dump people's crap back in their own lap.

"How do you feel about that?"
"What is your plan?"
"How are you going to handle that situation?"

I hate it when i feel as though i have been treated unjustly and this is someone's response.
I want people to get upset when i have been done wrong.

I didn't get it as a child so i want people to stand up for me now. The problem is that i am a child in an adults body. No one fights battles for people who seem able bodied.

I wish i had a visible infliction, maybe my neediness wouldn't seem so unrealistic and pathetic.