Therapy

I went to therapy today, by the time i got there my therapist asked if i had been crying all day.

I have internalized that spending Christmas alone and receiving no gifts into i am not special.

I have also taken blame for the Rodney situation. As in he is good and i am bad. I told my therapist that it is easier to take blame when the other person is gone. She said it was because I am a controlling person.

She said it must be tiresome the effort i put into connecting the dots to assign myself blame.

Yes, it is.

I am so tired of feeling sad and i don't know how not to anymore.

I am starting the self defeating behavior; drinking, spending money i don't have, and eating.

Dejavu

I read last night that symptoms of bipolar surface at the age of 18.

I remember my first huge depressive episode happened when i was a senior in high school.

I worry about sydni, the past year has been really hard on her. All of her friends have chosen drinking, guys, or other girls over her. I am sure that she is depressed. She doesn't dress up anymore. I worry more that next year her boyfriend will be gone and she will not have anyone at school to hang out with. I don't want sydni to have the senior year i had. I don't want her to have the life i had.

I feel as though my hands are tied. I was thinking of trying to reach out to her mom and trying to bring up the subject (which would have been a disaster i am sure) but her mother decided to take the day that joe and i had her to celebrate Christmas with her family without consulting joe.

It just breaks my heart to see her damaged. I don't want her to have my childhood.

Merry Christmas

We celebrated Christmas on thursday.
Friday came and i was so thankful that it was over.

I was going to send Rodney and Dana a Christmas card. My therapist thought it would be a good way to keep the lines of communication open. I told him i loved him and i was sorry when he sent the text for my birthday. I never received a response. I don't think there is anything more that i need or can do.

Joe had to work Christmas eve and Christmas day so i drank a few beers and enjoyed an empty house. I didn't even ask for anything for Christmas nor did i receive anything. I thought it was appropriate for the way i felt.

I am thankful that it is all over.

Therapy

I am feeling like the karate kid, wax on...wax off

I went to therapy and read my last blog. My concerns about not being able to form attachments to people or giving my husband what he wants and needs were missed and instead she focused on how judgemental i was. This being true but didn't seem to me to be the most important issue on the table.

I feel as though i walk away from her sessions more confused, judged, and off kilter than i should. I am thinking of seeing both therapists. Sometimes i need tough love but there are times i need someone who isn't watching the clock and is my soft place to land.

Funerals

Today i went to a funeral for a man a few years older than dad. Ironically, tomorrow is his birthday. I am sure that it was too close to home.

This man talked to his son daily, sometimes twice a day. I don't know what to think about this. I have never been that close with my family.  It makes me wonder if i even have the ability to be that close to anyone.

I see how my husband loves me no matter how crabby i am to him, no matter if i am unable or unwilling to give myself to him physically. I can't believe how he just continues to give. How he just loves me more.

I am not made that way. If you don't meet my needs, i pull back, not out of spite but out of protection for my own being.

Rodney would say that my mother would've felt that way.

It makes me angry that i allow him to live in my head, judge me, making me feel bad, while he is being mr perfect. I am still struggling with wanting to be understood by people who have no want nor need to understand me.

Short fuse

My fuse just keeps getting shorter.

I went to my psychiatrist yesterday. Latuda it is. I am in desperate need of relief. The good news is that my boss came today with his doom or gloom, this usually would bring me to tears but i just agreed and went on with life. He walks around telling me how much work i have to do.....with no help. I will get right on that.

My irritation and anger are quick. It scares me at times.

Value

My therapist asked me if i thought i had value.

It's been 3 days since i have seen her and i am still trying to wrap my head around that one.

I think my value is what i can do for other people, what i can give to other people. She asked me if i had value as a human being.  I am thinking, my organs could be sold on the black market.

I don't understand this value thing. I am suppose to have value as a breathing human being. I am a child of God and he unconditionally loves me.

There it is. I don't believe i have value because i equate value to love, people love things they value.

I know that i could go off the rails, cheat, and my husband would instantly leave me. I have disowned/ been disowned by many people in my life. I know that relationships can be gone in a minute.

Intellectually i know this doesn't or shouldn't devalue me but emotionally i think if i had value these people wouldn't abandon me.