Letting go

Yesterday i kneeled down on my bathroom floor and cried out to God to wrap his arms around me and hold me with his love. To make this pain go away.

My lesson is that God is the only one i can count on. I am 43, i have spent my whole life wanting my parents to have my back, make me feel emotionally safe, and be a safe place to land. That isn't going to happen.

The real work is realizing that i can't be thin enough, good enough, pretty enough, successful enough for this to happen.

My mother loved a good narcissist. I went out and found those qualities in men and they still haunt me.

I am thankful that joe is changing shifts soon and i will have the holidays to myself. I won't have to put on my mask and act as if it is all okay. I won't have to be Martha Stewart. I won't have to try and piece together these people who don't respect  my feelings for some kind of dysfunctional norman Rockwell painting.

I just have to stop asking why.

4 years and i still hurt

Aug 17, 2012

I flew home sick. I was stranded in detroit. I barely found a hotel because there was a convention. Skippy couldn't help me because he was too busy playing his game.

2012, the year i hit the wall.

I am not sure that this year has been much better.

My step mom wants me to sit down and have a talk with my step dad. Part of me is like why not, can i really hurt anymore than i already have? Let's rip that band aide off and just get it over with.

I laid here last night and just prayed to God to take my pain away and fill me with him.

I am appreciative for the message because i know how they view me and what they think of me and what preconceived impressions they have.

Once again. I wonder why if this is important to him then why is she in the middle. I told her that i am not interested in right fighting. I just want him to acknowledge my feelings, not discount them, and that i am important to him. I feel like i am expendable to him. Pretty much like i am to everyone else.

Just keeps getting better

It just keeps getting better. This is the message i received from my step mom.

You are right, it is NOT my issue.
We chose how we wanted to be married. We are adults. You knew last year that we would eventually marry way before anyone. We didnt want any wedding, reception or fuss otherwise. The only person that made an issue out of it is YOU. So what he didnt consider your feelings. You have never considered his when calling him old and crotchity when he would offer any opinion or advice. 
That always hurt his feelings but he didn't cry over it or get on facebook and bash you. He continued to love you as the only daughter he has ever had in his life. His love doesn't put another loved ones sins, failures or misgivings out to air in public. Just as he didn't air anything about your mother to people to try and destroy the image of what others thought of her. He may be unfiltered at times but running smeer campaigns on family members is not on his agenda.
I have tried to stay out of it and have held my tongue many times because I have seen how you twist words around, hold grudges and use the other parties words to bash them with and to further agonize over to the point of cutting yourself.
Case in point, had you not made a big ordeal over him "not considering your feelings" and rolled with the fact that we married and did it our way with no fan fare, traditional ceremony or reception, and just let it go then life would be as it was before you chose to be offended. YOU chose to be offended. YOU are holding the grudge. YOU are the one who wont let it go, forgive and forget. YOU are the one agonizing over it.

I'm glad all the rest of our family and friends aren''t agonizing over our marriage like you have chosen to do.
I'm not telling you all this to hurt you. I'm telling you what I've kept from telling you from the start. I would shake you and look you in the eye right now and tell you to GET OVER IT ,If I thought it would do any good but I know it wont. You are bent on having something to agonize over so that you have an excuse, a crutch, to continue on in the manner that has worked for you. Im not trying to be insensitive. Im not trying to harm you. I just want you to GET OVER IT. If you cant and or wont than what you have chosen continues.

I wish had never shared that we wanted to go to Hawaii to marry...just me and Rodney. You felt that Rodney needed to "dig up some of that blood money" to pay for you guys to go with us for a "family vacation". For one, we had not even saved up the money for ourselves to go. Then I decided we wouldnt do that so as to not hurt your feelings to which Rodney let me know that no matter how or what, what ever plan we made together in sealing our commitment to each other, YOU would find a way to be upset with him, me or just anything because you are like Roberta in that respect. I dont know that but Rodney knows and he was right.
YOU JUST WONT LET IT GO.
Now I ask, how is that working for you? We dont like the fact that you resort to cutting yourself, for only you and God knows why, just to "feel something". To get attention is why people do that as a cry for help. I know you are getting help so is the counseling not working??
You know, no one can tell you these things because you wont listen. You have selective hearing just as you have selective texting. You text people when you want answers and then when you dont want to hear what they have to say you respond hours later or even days later and brag on facebook about the fact that you dont treat others the way you like to be treated.Not the exact words but you know what I mean. I call that rude and narcissistic.
So now you can get on with tearing me down, running me down like you have wanted to do and as Rodney predicted you would do.
You will do and say anything to justify why you think you are right. No one will ever convince you otherwise. You probably wont even read this all the way to this point because the truth hurts. You will stew over what ever you like and justify that because it works for you. That is my saying when I see and know of folks who do the same stupid stuff over and over and over and over again again and look up from the bottom of the holes they dug for themselves and cry, why me? Then blame the system or other people for their problems instead of looking inside of themselves and say, what can I do to change this? How can I do this differently? When one repeats the behavior that gets them in the hole continuosly it causes me to say, how is that working for you?
DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT! DO A LOT OF THINGS DIFFERENT! START BY FORGIVING...

I will not be posting this on facebook. Posting petty crap like this on facebook serves only to hurt people and I have never sought to hurt you or Joe. NEVER.

My response
I wasn't looking for blood money. My point about being broke was that i wished that he had been enough of a part of my life to know my struggle. The guy that cut rodney hair knew he was going to hot springs to get married before i did. Instead of just saying he was sorry, he told me i was being silly. You 2 meant something to me and i was desperately trying to be a part of your life. I felt as though you were the only one that was putting fourth the effort.

Everything i put on Facebook isn't because of you guys. I have had a lot of other issues this year.

I only sent you the message about my feet because you are the only person i know that takes supplements. I assumed i had some bad info about the supplements i was talking and was wondering if you could instantly spot the issue. I didn't have an agenda but i was appreciative of you checking on me. I hope i expressed that to you.

I need to apologize the day i showed up at your shop to talk about the edge. I said something about being aware of how people treat other people because one day you will become other people because of my history with matt. I wasn't trying to bash rodney. I was sincere when i told you i hoped he never made you feel the way i felt.

I am sorry i have become toxic. I feel as if i have no one and apparently this is my fault.

I felt as though i had to gone from 100 to zero with rodney. I didn't need to be the number one priority but he just stopped talking to me and the only communication i got was from you. The night you told me you guys were getting married. I just thought it was another situation that you were put in the middle.

Which is why i said something to him. Then he just kept saying "everyone will find out at the same time". He was very important to me, i always wanted to share my life with him but i didn't feel as though that wasnt as important to him. I have hurt feelings.

I know things change. When he told me that house wasn't my home and never was. I felt as though the rug had been pulled out from underneath me.

I am so happy that you 2 have each other and that you are so happy. I just felt as though there was no space left for me. I kept telling him how important a relationship with him was to me but i didn't feel the same from him.

I never wanted to bash you. I felt as though you were the last link i had to rodney. I have always been appreciative of everything you did. I am sorry if you

WOW. I am apparently a very vindictive person. I am sure that it seemed that way when i said something about the money (which was poorly expressed and was hopefully cleared up).

I now know how rodney really sees me and i am saddened. I can't make people change their mind but hopefully i rose above the situation. I know that there isn't a thing that i can say that will change their mind but i at least want to express my gratitude for all that she has done.

I wish people could live in my head and know what it is like to feel all of this sadness. I wasn't trying to be the spiked brat that i came off as, i was just so hurt because i felt cast aside. This i apologize for.

Right fighter

So. I am a right fighter.

I don't want to always be right but i want people to know that i know they are shady. I have long given up on people apologizing or doing the right thing once they have proven they are incapable of either.

My sister's father wife called me a month ago wanting to give me, my sister, and brother a 1/3 of their share of my grandmother's house. *eye roll* Then they decided that i had never been a financial drain to them that they would give me and me only the house. Apparently they never clued my brother or sister in on this.

They stalked me for about 2 weeks about this house. I can't even make basic life decisions and they must have an answer yesterday. Something kept telling me something was up, they've never given me a thing. "Baby, we are giving you something now".

I wanted to be selfish, i could use the money. I felt God laid on my heart what i needed you do and apparently it didn't fall in line with their  agenda. She gave it to her son.

I called them today. I wanted to hear what their side of the story was......claudia answered the phone.

The son had a medical bill he was being sued for, his teeth needed 10k of work, he doesn't have a house....he was abducted by aliens, the story kept changing.

I flipped, i have a house. No one gave me one. Why? Because i worked my ass off for it, because i couldn't depend on anyone else to do shit for me.

She didn't want my aunt or uncle to have the money. I wanted to make sure my uncle felt secure and i knew my aunt would take care of me and my siblings. Claudia wanted to know how i knew this would happen......was Rick going to take care of my brother and sister because for some reason this selfish woman thinks my brother and sister will be rolling in the dough the rest of their life (they are on social security).

"Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience" mark twain

I swear i feel my IQ dropping every second i hear that lady talking.

It finally ended up with me telling her that they wouldn't notice if i fell off the face of the earth and to leave me out of their games . They had never done anything for me before now so don't act as if they want time start now because she will always make sure her and her own are taken care of and screw the rest of us.

I am 43, yearning, begging for someone in my family to step up and put my needs first for once.

This is the ultimate definition of insanity.

Failing

Ugh, so i went to the doctor today

She looked at my feet, agreed they were swollen, gave me a diuretic and a potassium pill. So now i drink 90 oz of water to try and flush my system of toxins and take a water pill.

So, i really have no answers. Stop taking everything i was taking and come back in two weeks.

I just feel so downtrodden.

I had an employee call me.....at 4pm on a Friday about her paycheck. She hung up on me because i can't do a thing about it. It's my fault because i can't keep crap together.

Joe received me an email that our phones were going to be cut off because i forgot to pay the bill.

I feel as though i am failing at this adulting thing!

Leaving on a jet plane....not

My legs/feet have been swollen for two weeks..

Of course i am traveling. It seems as though i usually come home sick this time of the year. Unlike most of my people, my allergies agreed more with Boston. They aren't happy we are in charlotte and i know they won't be happy when we get home.

I now wonder if i am going to be stuck in charlotte for the evening. My flight is delayed 2 hours, no crew. I won't be lucky enough to stay in a hotel though. I will be like other people, make a pallet on the floor, sleep, and hope for an early flight.

I have to get to the doctor tomorrow. I am hoping for new blood work and what I am really hoping for is an answer.

The airport is always a people watching jackpot though.

I have switched gates 3 times since i have arrived. My last gate, there was a little Chinese couple that couldn't speak English trying to fly standby. A crew member waiting for a jump seat trying to soothe a pretty girl. Finally the gate attendant asked him if he was going to get on the plane. Of course she was a one woman show, scanning boarding passes, calling for all passengers, trying to seat standby, and the phone starts to ring.

New agenda

2016 has taught me to lower my expectations of people.

I had an ironic thought the other day. Two years ago i was so scared that Rodney would move off and leave me. Now we live in the same town and never talk. I am sure that he didn't want me to remember his last words to me as ".....you need to find jesus", "i can't help you", and look who ended up with the mental issues, but actions speak louder than words. I cannot think of an acceptable excuse of why you would not go to someone who just told you they are so sad that they are cutting themselves.

I now know any my therapist told me that i had to find love inside myself because there is no parental unit that i have that is able to show up for me.

I am over here trying to decide whether or not to buy a 2017 calendar because i don't know if i will be around to use it and the other part of my family is using me as their pawn in their game of revenge.

I saw a meme once that said something about people no longer need you when you fail to fit their agenda. I think i am going to only have enough space in my life for people who fit my agenda; "do the right thing", know how to put yourself in someone else's shoes, be able to see past the tip of your nose, and be able to put someone else's needs before your own sometimes.