white trash

when you are able to have a true perspective on your past, that you have successfully overcame

i always like to say that i grew up poor, i lived in a trailer house, i don't remember having more than a pair of jeans to wear and i still like to sleep with the house freezing because that is the way i slept in the winter. 

i speak of mediocrity and how i would love to achieve it......it dawned on me, i was less than that growing up

i never excelled in school, i had issues with personal hygiene without the guidance of a woman, i lived in a run down trailer that my adoptive father used the underneath for storage, there was a catamaran in the front yard (we lived in Oklahoma, really), and the winner is.......when i went to California to see my grandparents we slept in the back of the truck at night. 

ladies and gentlemen, i was white trash

fail

I don't have many good memories of my mother and adoptive father being together.  I just remember the fighting, anger, and then the crying.  My mother was taking me to school (which was odd, i don't remember her taking me to school very often), but her and my adoptive father were in the house fighting as i sat in the car.  It must have been cold because i decided to be helpful and use a rock to scrap the ice off the windows.  WOW, my mother was so angry when she had seen what i had done.  She went off on me, asking me if i had EVER seen anyone use a rock to scrape the ice off a windshield.  I was so upset, i had tried to do something helpful and wanted her to be proud of me and take notice.  I felt like such an idiot. 

the flip flop incident

My mother had moved into an apartment before her and my dad were married.  She had rented a two bedroom apartment.  I am not really sure if she meant for one of those rooms to be mine, because i never had a bed or really anything in that room that was mine.  I had set up one of those folding loungers as a bed.  I must have slept on the couch before i came up with that brillant idea.  The great thing about the apartment was that it had a pool.  I must have stayed for a few weeks, which was the ususal case until my mother just couldnt deal with me anymore and i would leave. 

I had worn my mothers leather flip flops once to the pool and of course i was wet when i wore them back to the apartment.  She was so angry.  As usual, she didnt talk to me about the issue, she just yelled at me and told me how inconsiderate and unsmart that i was. 

My dad has always been the referee between my mother and I.  I still feel bad about ruining her shoes even though she still wore them for years after.......i guess i didnt damage them too bad. 

mediocrity

"................and I can't for the life of me figure out how she could choose to champion mediocrity the way she's learned to around you."

championing mediocrity

sometimes i wished that i could figure out how to do that, i could probably sleep at night

always something to prove................ to myself mostly, it used to be to my mother.  Ironically, i received that but then i realized that i am the one that must look in the mirror in the morning.  I am the one that has to live with my decisions and you can lie/fake most people, but not yourself (unfortunately). 

Epiphany, i used to call my adoptive father when life either rewarded me or punished me. 

When big news happens now, i just send a text.   I am not sure if it is because i don't have time or the need for the fanfare??

in your eyes

Lloyd Dobler: One question: do you need... someone, or do you need me?... Forget it, I don't really care

Say anything....who doesn't love that movie, john cusack standing in the rain with his boom box playing "in your eyes" by peter gabriel for the girl that he loves that is out of his league......and they fall in love. 

Lloyd makes my heart melt when he says those words to Diane Court, he is so in love with her that he just wants to be with her. 

This makes me wonder how many times i have chosen people because of the way that they felt about me and not necessarily the way that i felt about them.

public failure

One of the reasons that divorce is so difficult is because it is such a public failure.  It isn't like a failed diet where you and maybe a few other people know that you failed.  You get a marriage license, send out invitations, say your vows in front of well wishers, and you are pronounced a unit (in front of god and everyone).  If this marriage doesn't go all of the way, then you are known as the half of a failed unit. 

I don't like to fail and particularly dislike public failure.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

hideous

every Easter i think of this orange jumpsuit dress that i wore one year to church when my mother was in her church going phase of life

i must have been about 14 and of course i didn't own a dress.  I remember once we had a mandatory chorus concert that we had to wear a dress.  Thank goodness i spent the night at a friends house and she let me borrow a skirt or i would have either been embarrassed or not gone and received a failing grade for that assignment. 

my mother took me to a local department store.  This really did stink, because my mother has zero patience for me, even less for shopping, and even less than that for crowds.  Crowded it was, the Saturday before Easter.  I don't think that i ever recall anyone taking me shopping either than a random girlfriend of my adoptive father or my dad that had an opinion on what i looked good in and what i didn't.  It is sad that it has taken 40 years to figure out how to dress my body and even now i need validation that i don't look hideous.

 Speaking of which, an orange jumpsuit dress with an orange tshirt underneath.....