i went and saw my mother at the nursing home yesterday and today. Yesterday she was in the main room where everyone is suppose to watch tv. I looked around and all that I could see was different people in different states of death. Today I went and they had her in the dining hall, she was asleep so I didn't stay long. I haven't done a good job of going to church lately. I feel as though God is probably disappointed in me. I wanted to pray for her but was unable to at first, then I just thought "God, please let her die". I used to think that because I knew what her being alive was doing to my dad. Today I just sat and watched her sleep while the guy next to her kept trying to take off his t shirt thinking I didn't ever want to end up like that. I know that if she manages to keep breathing in this state that she will bankrupt my dad.
Yesterday she was awake, she said that she wanted to die. I told her that there was no more reason for her to fight. Rodney and I would take care of each other. She said that she was tired. She showed me her fingernails and how uneven they were. I went out to the car and got my fingernail clippers, nail file, hand lotion, and lip balm. I slowly trimmed her nails and filed them until she was satisfied. I watched as she rubbed the lotion into her hands. I felt the need to carefully take each of these actions in and permanently etch them into my brain.
I often wonder if I will miss her when she is gone. I no longer hate her anymore. She is too confused to be angry at her situation. I often wonder what I am suppose to accomplish before God will take her. Until then I will continue to go to the nursing home and maybe one day I will figure it all out.....and maybe I won't.
The saddest part of this entire situation is that I am glad that my husband is no longer living at the house because he wouldn't be any help emotionally. Sure, he would do the dishes, laundry, and pay the bills but deep down inside I know how much he dislikes my family. There would be one more thing that we just wouldn't talk about.
The day I told him that I wanted a divorce. He flipped from how miserable he would make this divorce to wanting to sit down and talk about it. I told him I was leaving, he then wanted to sit in my lap in the car and try to take my keys. Sorry, buddy I have gone out with way too many crazy people to let you have those keys. He said that he would let me leave if I promised we would talk about it tomorrow. I came home, he wanted to talk, and I wanted to take a nap. He wanted to go to marriage counseling. I explained to him how well that worked the last time that we did that, I had to drag him to the counselor. Of course I was wrong and he didn't remember it like that. He then went into how sorry he felt for me because I didn't want to fight for our marriage. I feel as though I have prayed and cried for way too long for my marriage.
One of the guys that my parents used to work with came by to check on me....I guess my sudden weight loss is concerning to everyone but me. He had ran into my husband and he had made the mistake of asking how I was doing. He then got the story, he said the longer that my ex talked the more he realized how angry that he was. I told him that the anger had nothing to do with me or the demise of our marriage. His anger is what made me leave. It had permeated my pours and was making me into a person that I didn't want to become nor did I like. I had let my first marriage turn me into that person and it took me too long to find my way back, I wasn't going to let that happen again.
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