it just isnt possible

It is amazing how quickly it all goes.

I am divorced.  The only thing left is to change my name on a few more items and my ex needs to get his dog and his kitchen stuff and i am done.  Unfortunately, i was done a long time ago.  I always preach that perception is reality.  I know that my story will vary greatly from his.  It is amazing how i am always able to put my finger on the exact moment it started going south.  It was the day he put me out on Okmulgee.  I will never forget the look in his eyes as he called me a bitch.  I was so hurt because i never thought that he would ever treat me like that.  Why yes, i had gone out with many psychos that i would have expected that behavior but never did i expect it from someone who told me i was their everything.  Adding insult to injury, i had to fight with him for two days after to get him to apologize.  I am sure that his story will be that one day he came home and i asked him for a divorce.  The most awesome part of that is when he wanted to go to counseling.  Why is it that people are willing to do too little too late?

I went and saw my mother today.  She is left in a room alone waiting for death.  I would say that she doesnt even recognize me but i am not totally sure that she knows that anyone is there.  Her breathing is very raspy.  I wish i could tell her how to die.  I wish that i would understand our relationship or lack there of, but i know this....she just never knew how to relate to me.  Maybe she didnt care to, didnt have the want to, or the time to.  My mother a prime example of the person laying on their death bed wishing they would have spent more time at the office.  I dont know that anyone ever knew my mother.  My therapist tells me that i must figure out why i hate her so much.  I think it was because she was a fraud.  I hate that part of myself as well, the mask that i have hidden behind for so long but have no clue how to get out from behind. 

I have defined myself via titles...my job, which was taken from me, thankfully.  Though it was painful at the time, it freed me from the expectations, the need to be perfect, to succeed, to have to prove to someone/anyone that i was worthy.  Then i tried so hard to be the stepford wife.   Taking on my  new surname with too much seriousness, wanting to be worthy, then realizing that he wasnt worthy of me.  It has been nice to come home to a quiet house, with my loving animals, and just be still. 

Life is like that roller coaster that i fearfully rode this summer, you have to let go, learn to go with the dips, turns, and falls..............stop trying to control everything, because you cannot.