How to be single

Yesteday was our date day. Wednesdays you can go to the Warren theatre for $5 a person plus a service fee. The director's suite is the way to go, reclining seats with seat warmers.

We went to see "how to be single" which was funny, had interesting dialogue. It was the kind of movie that would've made me sad that i didn't run off and be irresponsible when i was young. I would've wanted to be those free twenty year olds (not that my twenties were all that great).

Instead it made me so grateful for my husband, our home, and our life. My body reminds me that i am 43, my mind tells me that's okay.

For once i feel as though i have my whole life in front of me, i don't think my anxiety has ever allowed me to feel like this. I don't think my personal life ever made me feel like this. I have been married before but have no idea what married life feels like because i was always on a roller coaster ride.

I told joe last night that i didn't know what married sex felt like. Sex was always used as a weapon. My parents were from one extreme to another, butch tried to sleep with every woman to my mother who i think had sex once a year. Sex has always been used as a weapon. My 1st ex husband told me it was my duty. The narcissist didn't fulfill emotionally, so we stopped having sex, and i felt guilty when he found someone with less baggage and probably put out more. Then for years i had to be drunk to have sex. I didn't have to worry with Skippy because he couldn't get it up and then i figured out how to stop taking responsibility for his disfunction.

Joe and i have laughed so hard that i have peed my pants and he has cried. I get cranky and he doesn't take it personally. He has stood and let me cry at my mother's grave then hold me until i was ready to leave. I have never known anyone that has the ability to love as selflessly as my husband. I have never known what it is like to be in a relationship where i know that tomorrow he will be exactly as he is today. Sweet, loving, and mine.

I don't want the recklessness of my twenties. I will take the stability of our daughter, our home, and our life.