Needing relief

The rest of the story.

I decided to come home go back to bed and start the day again.

This time i wanted to feel the pain, physical pain, i wanted to feel something other than sadness. There was no one's attention to be had. I want to have the physical wounds to match the internal wounds.

This time i ended up in minor emergency, 6 stitches. People asked what i did, i cut myself. Deedee told me they would try to commit me, no. I think they were too busy or maybe i don't look like a crazy person. She couldn't believe that i was able to leave by myself. Issue is, who would i call. Joe was at work. I suppose i could've picked a random number in my phone for someone to come and pick me up.

Deedee found a place that offered yoga and paddle boarding. It is now her mission to find somewhere for me to take a break.

I was in the car, late again for work. The radio was talking about pain management, the doctor said there was no magic pill to make the pain disappear. The patient learns to live with the pain. This message was my warning that my pain will never go away. It will be my cross to bear.

I keep thinking about what my therapist said. I need to stop reaching out to fill the hole inside me. I have to fill that myself. I told her i didn't know how to do this. I still don't.  I am not sure there is any viable pieces left.