9.11.01

9.11.01

Fifteen years ago today.

I was very somber today.

I remember calling my mother, she was at lunch at a place that is no longer in business with a friend who died years ago. She asked me if i was okay.

I sometimes think i don't even know the meaning of the word okay.

I can only recall 2 occasions when my mother was panicked. Once i was attacked by a dog and we were going to the emergency room. The other Rodney had been in a car wreck.

I really do miss her.

I wished that Rodney would have left years ago like his new wife says that he wanted to but couldn't because mother had gotten sick.

I could've seen him for the person he truly was and is. I could have stopped wasting time on another man who was unable to give to someone else, especially me.

Mother and i would've been forced to figure it out. He wouldn't have been allowed to see her lose her dignity.

Maybe i could've learned to not fear her, the venom she could spew.

Maybe i would've ended up exactly like him and i would just be angrier.