circus

i had my epiphany today, codependent............being happy regardless of what mood others around you are in. 

I grew up in a household in which people were rarely happy.  My mother was always angry and my adoptive father was either checked out, acting inappropriately, or angry himself.  I don't think that i felt that it was my fault, i just felt ignored and helpless.  When my mother finally left, my adoptive father was so upset.  I was happy when they told me they were getting divorced.  I then became angry with my mother for causing my adoptive father so much sadness.  I can remember him sitting on the floor crying after their phone calls.  I felt uncomfortable with so much emotion, immediately wanting to take away his pain.  

When Butch came in the picture, i instantly became daddy's girl.  I am sure that my mother felt betrayed and i don't recall ever feeling close with her again.  I instantly hated my mother for causing Butch so much pain (when you get older you realize there are 2 sides to every story). 

I became Butch's crutch, feeling responsible for his emotional well being.  I became the care taker. Codependency often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. 

^{Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to my childhood.}