breakdown

well today kind of stunk.  i think that my mother dying is starting to catch up with my father.  he sent me a text today wanting to know if i was okay because i had been quiet the last few days. 

I told him that i had been really tired, my monthly visitor has really taken it out of me this month and i keep getting headaches.  i was hoping that my glasses would be in today, but i forgot to call until after they were closed.  i forgot they close at noon on Fridays...wish i could close at noon. 

he is wanting to start listing the stuff that he doesn't use on a local website to see if we can sell it.  i told him that i could help him on Sunday. 

i think that mother's death is starting to catch up with both of us. i always wondered if i would feel differently when she was gone, if i would have wished that i would have tried harder to have a relationship, but then i just shake my head and know that it would have been like asking her to grow a third arm, she just wasn't capable.  This makes me sad.  It also makes me sad that she had it to give to everyone else but not to my dad and I.  I wont ever understand it and her talking about her "walls" just made me think that i needed to be cool and have them too. It might have been more helpful to learn about boundaries and know when and where they are useful.  It was always all or nothing with her and i have to the same extent been the same way.  I am sure that was what my breakdown was about two years ago, learning that i cant do everything and i cant be everything to everyone. 

it is sad, i have only been at work for two days and i am ready for Sunday and Monday to get here so i can take the day off. 

i should start playing the lottery more.