the other day it dawned on me that i no longer had to dread April or may. i don't have to find a birthday present or a mothers day present. two less opportunities to disappoint my mother or more likely see the disappointment in her face/voice.
my dad sends me a text the other night "the house is deathly quiet. It has just struck me that besides you, I am really alone for the first time in my life. Nearly 60 years with people and now I'm alone in life.....i know, i may leave you. This frightens me very much. I'm scared to death."
what frightens me is that i may leave him first. my mother was first diagnosed with cancer when she was 50. I will turn 42 this year. I know one thing that if i am ever diagnosed with cancer, i think that i will sell everything, pack up my animals and blow this popsicle stand. My mother having cancer taught me more than it ever taught her. I just think of how hard she worked her entire life trying to prove to herself that she was good enough, then she spent her retirement dying, cleaning house, and pulling weeds. I don't want to live or die like that.
I don't know what the rest of my life holds for me, but for once i am excited. I have taken more vacation days this year than i took all of last year. I go to work late and leave early. I don't feel as though i have anything to prove to anyone. I am exhausted trying to prove to people that i am good enough.
I love the fact that for once in my life i have a true partner and a family and i am starting to build some boundaries.
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