unique year so far

It has been a unique new year....

i feel as though i have been in warp speed since Christmas and now that i am able to stop, the baggage, that i have been moving too fast to realize the weight of has caught up. 

i am not sure where i left off, but i am afraid that if i go back to read that i wont finish this post...i might not because paisely is barking her "i am bored" bark.  

i finally left my husband after Christmas.  i suppose the final straw was Christmas day itself.  as usual he was no help, he didn't want my father to come, and he was unpleasant to me.  the moral of that story is if you are a jerk to me long enough that your crap will end up on the front porch. 

i am still trying to get into the swing of things of learning how to take care of things by myself which gives me anxiety.  Skippy was a good husband when it came to taking care of the bills and making sure i didn't do without monetarily.  unfortunately, he wasn't good at much else in the husband department.

this morning at 5:45am i get an email that my car payment wont clear my account, which gives me immediate anxiety and makes me feel like a failure.  I am in another state because i had a meeting this morning.  I come home to find out that i have plenty of money in the account but somehow the bank wont let loose of it.....and 6:11 pm isn't the time to try and find out why. 

the good thing is that all of this did get my attention that i am not far from a downward spiral so i called my shrink, got my prescriptions refilled, made an appointment with her and my therapist.  all while being stuck in construction...

i have my own insurance now which i have to pay for and my meds will probably cost a lot more that i expected.  i hate to sound like a negative nancy but i am expecting the worst, hoping for the best. 

my mother died.

i have cried once.

i got divorced.

i think i have cried twice.

i believe there is a big nervous breakdown in my future. 

i got stuck on the on ramp Sunday, accidentally shifted my car from neutral into drive while it was at 60mph.....i am convinced that my transmission will drop out any minute. 

i think my nervous breakdown is getting closer

and there is a plastic piece in my floorboard that came from under my car while they where attempting to tow me out of my rut

nervous breakdown inevitable