Sunday, May 11, 2014

divorce

I had a lady come in yesterday and she was commenting on my recent divorce and she said that she too had just gotten divorced.  She said that she wished that all of the times that someone she knew was getting divorced that she would have reached out and supported them more.  She commented on how hard that it was. I felt bad later, thinking that i should have reached out to her, that was her request for help and i didn't.  I guess that i have always stayed in a marriage until there were no more alternatives and i had given all that i could give that i just took the lessons that i learned and moved on.  It is also probably helpful that this is my second divorce and both times i really had no other choice. 

I had someone ask me today why we got divorced and i usually would have said that it was because we never consummated our marriage, but i decided that there was no need to bring that into the equation.  I realized that it has only been four months (feels like a lifetime) but i had difficulties talking about what our issues were.  I finally settled on that my husband was unable to support my needs.  You think that would be so easy to fix.  You cant make someone give you what they don't have.  I thought that i had been so smart during our courtship, we discussed financial issues, we made plans for the future.  I just ended up feeling punked when we were unable to have a family, then the communication broke down and i felt like a nagging wife.  I suppose that i will never understand why my ex refused to allow me to help him.  I do know that now, i have a need to feel helpful to my partner.  I suppose that is why i always wanted a partnership. 

I took from my first marriage to always pick your battles.  My second marriage has taught me to be fiercely protective of relationships and not allow other people in, don't talk about your issues, and don't devalue your man in someone else's eyes. 

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