the wicked witch keeps bombarding me with her monkeys of evil thoughts

today has been a battle of negative thinking

i woke up with a migraine and an upset stomach.  we went and got breakfast but i just couldn't stand the floors anymore so i started cleaning.  one of the dogs got hold of a piece of trim and chewed it to pieces, so there were remnants of that on the floor, the dogs had taken a poop in a few places and there was dog hair all over the place.  it just generally stunk and reminded me of the way that i felt. 

i cannot get rid of this feeling of foreboding that something bad is going to happen.  i have gone from feeling of being grateful to just a feeling of ugliness.  I want to get people before they get me, i want to just tear someone apart.  It is almost as if i have gone from wanting to punish myself to punishing other people.  I am a huge stress ball. 

My aunt sent me a message the other night, my sister didn't go to my nieces graduation because "she didn't want her friends to see her cause she looks fat".  Well, if i felt that way i would never leave the house.  That is another thing that has gone out of control...my eating.  I felt bad because i know that she depending on me to come but i am just so exhausted.  Maybe it would have made me feel better to help someone else, but probably would have just made me feel more drained.  I can judge her all day, but like i told my aunt, she is an adult and if she wants to kill herself by drinking then that is her choice to make.  The real casualties is the girls.  I feel as though Chloe is looking for a man to save her, she will pick one like her father, because that is what we do.  That will be filled with heartache. 

Sophia is too much like me and her life will be filled with anguish, she will spend much of it wondering why her parents even had children.  She wants to have a baby so bad, she just wants someone to love and to love her back. 

Even in her own anguish she is able to look beyond herself and be here for her aunt.  "you need to calm down and breath and try not to stress over things because everything will work its self out.  you're pushing yourself back into depression and that's not good for you.  you gotta slow down and take a deep breath." were her words of wisdom.