breathe

today was a good day, i went to therapy.  I hadn't been in a month.  I had to cancel last time because of work drama, which i will never do again because i spent 5 hours on my day off and nothing happened. 

I have been feeling lots of anxiety lately.  I have been blaming it on the voices in my head THAT NEVER SHUT UP!  I have been reading a book called the untethered soul, which addresses the voices and some people use them to not live their life.  It is a defense mechanism, i get this.  Now i would like them to shut up.

I knew that my fear had been that my father was starting to get rid of stuff at the house, i thought he was trying to lighten his load so that he could leave.  My fear is that the one person who has been that has really been there for me was going to leave me.  I finally put voice to that fear today and i was able to cry, which i have been needing to do for the past two weeks.  I called him when i got out of therapy and told him of my fear, he said that he wasn't going to leave me.  I felt as if a burden had been lifted.  I could breathe. 

I told my therapist that i didn't know what to do with this mounting anxiety.  She said that i was waiting for the other shoe to drop.  No, this is different, i know that feeling, it is a sense of foreboding that usually comes true. I know what pain and chaos feel like, that i can handle, a sense of normalcy, this i am not used to.  She asked me if it had something to do with my relationship and if it was going like i thought a good relationship would.  I had never thought about what a good relationship was like never the less that i would be a part of such a relationship.  In fact that is what made me stay with Skippy for so long.  I thought that i had been in crappy relationships my entire life, why leave the one i was in to get into another one, at least i knew what was wrong with this one.  Until, i couldn't breathe anymore.  Until, someone hugged me and i realized how lonely i had been for so long. Then i couldn't stay.