God and religion

so, i have taken a step back to assess my relationship with god and what i think religion is

i talk to god all of the time, this is part of the voice in my head which i cant get to shut up, it goes something like this

"oh dear, why would someone wear something like that, don't they feel a breeze....i could have gone the rest of my life without seeing that" then getting someone else to look at it, because mean girls like to share their snarkiness.

"please god, forgive me for thinking bad things of other people.  Please help heal that poor girls heart from whatever it is that makes her eat more than she should"

This is my version of religion, If i go to church, tithe, read my bible, pray, and be a good little girl, i will be in God's favor.  If i don't then i will face the wrath.  These two thoughts don't even support the way that i feel about God.  I feel as though he is a good God.  No, i cannot explain why bad things happen, i don't know. 

These are one of the voices in my head that i cannot get to go away and it is only causing me more anxiety.  I don't think that religion should cause you more grief and anxiety than peace. 

i am sure that i still feel that i have disappointed God getting divorced.....again.  I feel so embarrassed when i say "ex husband" and have to clarify 1 or 2.  I can hear the line from steel magnolias "i managed to find and marry 2 of the most worthless men on earth". 

i suppose on most days i feel like wheezer from steel magnolias.  I suppose i don't know how to be happy, i feel as though life has beat me down.  I don't know if i am to believe the me that puts on the happy mask and goes out into the world or the me that comes home and wants to cry and sleep.