dejavu

my sister sent me a text yesterday that the sky was falling

i usually don't call until i am ready to deal, but then the anxiety of what has happened next usually is worse than the actual phone call.  I think that she has been trying to prep me to move in with me....i guess she could stay in the building but i don't have it to give.  She is a drowning person who has run out of people to pull down with her. 

I called her and she was concerned about the past tax returns that she hadn't filed.  This becomes an issue about twice a year, for the past three years.  She wanted to come to my house, bring her papers, and lay them all out on my floor.  First of all, I would have to go and get her and take her back, which is about 6 hours times 2.  I don't have it to give.  I don't have the money and this is not how i want to spend my spare time.  It is like the people who want you to fix their problems and the people that just want to complain about it.  I sometimes think that she has a moment of clarity, realizes that she is almost 50, and then calls her little sister to help her do the adult thing.  OU had sent her a letter stating that she owed them money and were going to sue her.  I hated to be the bearer of bad news, but she is insolvent, she doesn't own anything.  She said that she was going to sell her car.  Why, because she couldn't afford it.  I told her that was a not good idea because she would need it to find work.  I don't know why i say these things because she wont find a job.  Having a job would interfere with her drinking and when you are an alcoholic, drinking is your job.  I should have told her that selling her car was a great idea because at least that would ensure there was one less drunk, driving on our roads. 

I dislike my sister because i idolized her when i was a kid.  She was beautiful, she was thin, she was a cheerleader and popular and it all came so easy to her.  I was heavier, fought my weight my entire life.  I was barely coordinated enough to drive a standard.  I was unsure about everything.  I wasn't liked by people because i was the mean girl.  Now she tells me how jealous she is of me, how she envies me.  Unfortunately, i didn't have someone else to take care of me, i had to take care of myself.  Now, you expect us all to stop what we are doing and be your puppets.  It is sad what over a decade of drinking and smoking can do to a person and their looks, we are no longer mesmerized by the facade.  Butch takes all of her crap because he is motivated by guilt.  I should have happy nieces and a big sister that I can rely on, not one that i must take care of and watch her kill herself. 

I feel as though I am watching my childhood be repeated by my nieces, two broken people who had zero business having children.  I just hope they don't wait until they turn 40 to get help after a string of broken relationships.