friday morning i thought i was dying, i got into the shower and immediately had an intense pain from the top of my esophagus to underside of my right rib cage. I figured out it was either a esophageal spasm or a panic attack. It was first thing in the morning and i was taking a shower, i had barely been out of bed.....what is there to panic about????? Anyway i have to make an appointment with dr ford. At least i wasn't having heart attack, which is what i thought was happening.
I having come to a spiritual cross road and i found out that my preacher is leaving our church. Somehow i have become spiritually OCD and this has caused me even more anxiety. I feel as if i go to church every sunday, tithe, read my bible, and don't think bad things about people then i will be in God's favor. It is kind of like being married to skippy, if i do everything just right, he wont complain and good things will happen.
I am reading this book called untethered soul and it about the constant chatter that goes on in our mind. I am telling my dad about it and he just looks at me like i have grown a third head. He says, men don't work like that, which is why we can fish for hours. We have compartmentalized thoughts, they are kept in a box, they are labeled, and they must never touch because we never use more than one box at a time. He is the one that needs a blog. I love it. This got me to thinking about multitasking, which every woman does. I am multitasked out, i have done it for too long, and the older i get the worse that i become at it, besides studies show that people who multi task don't do either task particularly well. Perfect example, i am driving home from work the other day, a guy in front of me sees a cop coming from the other direction and practically stops in the middle of the road. I honk, then he gets to the next intersection and wants to stop at the green light, i honk again. He gets into the right lane and when we get to the next intersection i look over and he is leaned against the drivers side door talking on his phone. He is not a multitasker either. The difference is, i know this about myself .
The constant chatter in our head conversation then led to talk of the caveman days, where all the men had to do was go out, kill and not be killed, and recreate, which is why they don't multitask. Women had to cook, clean, and make sure the kids didn't get eaten. Which is why our brains are wired to immediately assess situations and detect the threat or now point out the negative. This is why men always want to have sex and women are looking for a better provider because their current provider may not come home one day because he became someone else's dinner.
I woke up night before last and was having problems going back to sleep. I found a youtube post on meditation and listened. First of all, it is incredibly difficult to meditate when you own a gaggle of animals. I put in my ear buds, learned to breath in and out and realized that i am and have been wearing a corset of armour. This has been developed through years of dysfunctional relationships, the issue with this is that it keeps me safe, but it allows none of the bad stuff to get out. I have been going to therapy for a year and i still feel as if i have this black, negative junk in my soul, in the middle of my being. It is like a file cabinet, i pull out an issue, deal with it, throw it away, or file it back for another day. I told my therapist, i feel as though i have the clown car of issues.....they just keep coming. I am going to have to find a way to unlock this corset of armour in order to really deal with what is left.
Okay, so now the goal is to stop the chatter, stop feeling as if i have to be the PERFECT christian, and either find a new church or find a way to go to church without feeling bad.
No comments:
Post a Comment