Banging my head

I am just emotionally exhausted. This was my conversation with rodney today.

The pool is open water a little cool give it a week or so and it will be warm. Although cold water never stopped you and the kids.
We were just thinking about you guys hope all is well. We are here for ya and I love you.

Thank you for reaching out to me. I am drowning. I cut myself because i wanted to feel something different. I went to the dr  (gp) yesterday and thank goodness i didn't get committed.

Well That is hard for me to hear. I certainly don't have advise here other than to tell you that your not alone. Dana and I are here to help if we can. We never left your side and I didn't stop loving you.

I felt like you had dana and you no longer needed me. I feel like it's just joe and i. I have no one to depend other than joe.

That was not so. That was never our intention. We hurt your feelings when we got married and you withdrew. You knew we would probably run off to get married. We ment you or no one else any harm and sure didn't mean to isolate you. You must get Jesus Christ in your life. Faith will heal you. God has a plan and you should put your worries and trials in his hands. Let go and live. Love your husband and family but more than that love your life. You know that I have never turned you away when you come to me for help. I always have helped you if it was within my power to do. God will not turn you away and he loves you to. Never stop valuing things that get better over time.

I pray and cry every day to jesus for help. I was upset about you getting married because i felt like dana shouldn't have been the one to tell me because she keeps getting put in the middle then you told me i was being silly and that i was going to find out with everyone else. Sorry, i thought i was more special than that. You aren't the most open person lately and i knew it would hurt my feelings if you just discounted my feelings. I am in real trouble here and i wasn't feeling like much of a priority.

We went to celebrate joe's and syd's birthday in your brand new truck listening to you to tell us how we should do things.  We were drowning in debt. Mom died you got a new truck. I got an earring that she died in and a dresser. When we got back to your house that night, you couldn't wait to give me my dress, all of mother's family stuff. I cried all the way home because i knew that wasn't my home anymore.  I called you for Christmas and you had plans, fine. Could you have at least made time for dessert. I told dana for you to do whatever about getting married because i knew you were anyway and i was just trying to prepare myself. Then you told me i was being silly for getting upset. I don't want to argue about semantics. You did me just like butch did, you had dana and didn't need me anymore. It has broken my heart because you were the last person i expected it from. Mother's day just reminded me that i had no one.

I find it hard to figure how you all could be in so much debt since I know together you make over 6 figures. I owed money on the explorer traded it for the truck which I pay 850 a month for. You could have had anything of your mothers you wanted. You and DeeDee were there and I told you that. I got no money from your mothers death. Spent what we had for nursing home and hospital. We work and save for things we want. I thought it was a bad idea to give syd a car without her working for it. Still do. Since you knew we were getting married I said it was silly that you got upset anyway. Would you have been happy if you had planned the wedding and been part of it or are you just mad cause I have a relationship with Dana.  Your dress and stuff was yours not mine to store. By the way the house was never your home. You may have spent a month total there your entire life. Always when I attempt to give advice you called me crotchety and told everyone about it. Before the funeral you told me I would be the one having mental problems over your mothers death. Turns out it was you. Well I can't fix this or your financial problems or anything else. Oh Christmas, we weren't even in town. You don't control my life with your feelings no more than Butch lets you or his other daughter control his. I'm sorry you feel this way. Sad to say it is the same way your mother would have felt. I pray that you joe and syd have a wonderful life. You will I suppose think of this again every mothers and Father's Day the rest if your life.  I'm sorry your hurt by my refusal to die with your mother. Life moves on always for me as well as for you.

I didn't want you to die, i wanted to be a part of your life but it doesn't seem to be important. It didn't when you got married and it doesn't now. You just don't get it. I always felt like that was my home, my safe haven, the place i could go and be comfortable. I was mistaken. I wasn't jealous about dana. Once again i wanted to be part of your life. I don't want to control your feelings except for you acting like mine aren't important to you anymore or at least respecting them. I do believe that dana did put together a dinner for Christmas and we played dirty santa. Here we are again, me wanting to be part of your life and feeling as though it is neither here nor there for you. We should just agree to disagree, stop talking about it and i will try to stop wearing my feelings on my sleeve. I pray that you and dana have a wonderful life as well.