Drowning

I am still on the roller coaster of emotions.

I wasn't raised in the church but i have always been spiritual. I read my Bible when i can, pray for people when i don't want to, ask God for forgiveness when i have done wrong, and get inspiration from Christian music.

I received a text from Rodney today. I am not sure why he reached out to me today. I told him i was drowning and i felt as if i had no one to depend on other than joe. Since he had dana, he had no use for me anymore. He said that i withdrew after he was married, his intention wasn't too hurt anyone. I know that i am very sensitive but once again i pointed out that i didn't think i was just anyone.

He said that if i had come to him, he wouldn't turn me away. If i had went to him and he dismissed my feelings telling me i was silly like he did when i told him it was his place to tell me he was getting married. I would've turned right and joined my mother at her grave.

I need to find God and he, like God would never turn their back on me. Smh.

I know that well meaning people tell you that God has a plan when going through a rough time but i am exhausted of my life being one big lesson. I know that i have made my life harder then it needed to be at times but this is getting old.

I am 43. I put on my mask and go to work because no one there wants to know my issues. I come home where joe is frightened that i may leave him. I just want to feel something different than i do now.

I cry to God everyday for help.