Fill that hole

My weight is at it's heaviest.
I had all of my credit cards maxed.

I don't know what hole i am trying to fill. I was so overwhelmed the other day. I just sat and cried. I don't know how to not feel this way. I feel as though i keep getting knocked down. I keep continuing self defeating behaviors.

I can't over spend because i chopped up all of my credit cards. Chocolate is cheap. I won't buy a candy bar because i see it as too many calories but i will buy a bag of chocolate and mindlessly eat the entire bag. The voice in my head is telling me that i don't want nor need anymore but i just continue.

The weight on my body is too much. My ankles hurt. It is hard for me to get up and walk if i have sat too long. I am tired.

It is as if i can't have someone treating me badly then i must do it to myself.