lost and confused

Yesterday was a roller coaster of emotions. I disliked seeing all of the mother's day posts. I usually disliked mother's day because I didn't have that kind of relationship with my mother. This year it just made me feel alone.

I am mourning the loss of 2 relationships. Rodney, we had become emotionally dependent on one another and my mother who had always done for me. She could be warm and open at times but i was always afraid that she could turn on a dime and cut me to the bone.

It has made me stop being so wreckless with money. I am an adult, not a child, and i have to learn to depend on myself. I really don't think if i needed help that i could REALLY depend on anyone other than joe.

Yesterday was so hard. I cried at the mere mention of mother's day. I had a customer who is really kind of annoying. She wished me a happy mother's day. I told her i didn't have any kids and it was generally just a sucky day. Tears were running down my face. I should've felt bad but i just couldn't help it.

This mood followed me last night into today.

I was so distraught last night that i went to the garage and got one of blades that come a 100 to a box, took the paper off and sliced my arm about an inch. I was shocked at how easy the blade pierced my skin. At first it didn't bleed but i wanted it to, so i pinched it like a pimple.  The blood wasn't the deep dark red that i was expecting and i became confused. I went to the bathroom and cleaned my wound, i put gauze on it and wrapped it with tape. I hid it from joe and would move so i could feel the wound.

I hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real

This was the only thing that continued in my head.

I turned my phone off yesterday and refused to turn it back on until today. I called my doctor and was able to get in today. I told joe what i had done and that i was going to get help.

He immediately left work. I felt horrible when i saw him.

My doctor noticed the gash in my arm and asked what happen. I told her. I am not sure if she asked why. I sounded like an idiot "i wanted my outside to look like my inside." "I wanted to feel something other than what i was feeling".

I am menopausal. I didn't get committed. I have new meds and a new psychiatrist.