finding serenity

so.....my birthday is in less than 2 weeks and it always makes me think of two things.  First, hide because I have the worst birthdays.  Second, I look at people my age and think "do I look that old", but mostly the only people I compare myself to are the people in their mug shots.  I am pretty sure that doesn't count because crack isn't too kind to the body. 

I took my cost accounting test the other night and made a 79, was not happy at all.  Until she told us that the class average was a 73?  I decided not to drive off the bridge.  She gave us some extra credit and I took full advantage.  I felt like I had a better handle on the whole thing after last nights class.  My energy level is coming back and I am starting to feel like I am getting back in the game which is nice.

I did have a conversations with my significant other about his behavior and how I contemplated beating him in his sleep with a baseball bat.  I did realize that I was transferring my anger from butch and the rants that I used to hear from him about being selfish. 

I just feel so negative and full of anger at times, the rest of the time I am just annoyed.  I have been trying to build  some quiet time into my day and that seems to help some what.  I struggle with thinking that everyone is an idiot and have little patience.  My therapist said that I was full of rage.  She says that I need to either swim, join a yoga class, or meditate.....she does realize that I am borderline ADD????  Meditation is out of the question.  I found one yoga class and it is one day a week and I can already see what kind of disaster that would be...me, the uncoordinated one.  I stopped swimming because it was killing my hair and they have the most unreasonable schedule, unless I want to get there at 6am.  Now I just sound like the rest of my children making excuses.  I think I need to find something to beat the crap out of, like a punching bag....that would make me feel better, find a kick boxing class.  I bet that would make me sleep better at night.  I am not an "OHMM" kind of person.  I cant even pray without being distracted, so now I just talk to God all day....then my day becomes one long prayers where I call people idiots and then ask for forgiveness.  It is the closest thing to serenity that I have found.....don't judge.