Failing

A"It's 4am, i must be lonely"

I was unable to sleep this morning even though i am exhausted. I was struck with this fear that i was going to stop breathing. I was sure that the next breath wouldn't come, that i was suddenly going to unlearn how to inhale. My chest seems to have forgotten how to expand today.

I think it is a combination of disappointing someone yet again, the fact that i am failing at work, and i feel that nothing is true in my world. I am unsure of what tomorrow will bring, i almost fear it, knowing with certainty that it will be hurtful and unpleasant.

I am so exhausted, i don't know that i will make it through the day. The real problem is that i have no clue where to go for relief. I used to drink and smoke myself into oblivion but i can't deal with the hangovers anymore. Shopping no longer brings me the joy that it once did and my poor feet can't carry anymore weight, so eating isn't an option.

I wish i knew what it felt like to wake up in the morning and be excited for what the day brought.

I think this would all be easier if i could have my nervous breakdown like a normal person. No, i have to be the over achiever, put on my mask and let my mind fall apart all the while keeping up appearances. Unfortunately i am failing at this too.