same ole song and dance

darned if I do, darned if I don't....this pretty much sums up my feelings today.

I spent the entire day studying for my final which I am not feeling very confident about.  This will be the first class that I haven't made an A in and I know that I shouldn't punish myself for not being perfect.  I have struggled this semester and haven't really had it to give so if I get a B I should be happy. 

I continue to have dreams about Oregon.  I am not sure why I am unable to get him out of my mind, but I continue to pray to God to remove this lust from my heart and I talk to my therapist. 

My dad is angry with me because he feels that I am more interested in helping my sister and nieces than I am in helping him and my mother.  In order to help him, I would have to deal with my mother and that always leaves me feeling horrible.  I feel like I would have to slay the dragon in order to save him and I just am not strong enough for that. 

I know that he resents me, but I find it hard not to resent them.  I am doing what I can to help him with his campaign and they never showed up once to help me with my campaign.  I realize that it wasn't the DA but it was important to me. 

I probably don't leave my husband even though I don't feel as if I can satisfy him either because his parents are the only family that I have that makes me feel wanted.  I have worked my butt off in school and I have a 3.82 GPA and the only people I have to celebrate with are my husband and his family.  I have paid for school by myself, except this next semester my in laws are paying because I asked that whatever money they were going to spend on me, please just write a check payable to the school for tuition. 

This is probably what led to my depression in the first place.  I try so hard and I feel as though I take one step forward and three steps back. 

I should have gone to therapy today.