i had probably turned 20 and was in a relationship with a guy that already had two kids, it was probably one of the only times in my life i remember being really happy and blissfully in love for any period of time. We just really got along and it was probably one of the only times that i dated someone and i didn't care what other people thought. The first time he took me out on a proper date, his crazy ex slashed his tires. I had to call my friend to come and get me and his dad came and helped him. I drove back to check on him and he was genuinely touched that i had thought of him.
My mother could not stand him and my dad had told me that if he was a horse in a horse race he wouldn't bet on him to win. But we did have a time of contentment and things really worked, we eased each others insecurities. I got up one morning and was thinking of my life and of him and how much i loved him and how happy i was and then the thought of having a child popped in my head. I was so freaked out that i immediately flushed it out and thought of other things. I suppose that it was my body's way of preparing me for the months ahead.
I don't remember his reaction when i told him, but i vividly recall his mothers and she freaked out. I decided then and there to not keep the child. He begged me to change my mind and really went out of his way to show me how special i was, but i was so scared of being that vulnerable that i would hear nothing of it. The day he drove me to Tulsa, he was already pulling away from me and i had this naive fantasy that things would go back to normal. I was so wrong.
Between my hormones and the unofficial break up of our "perfect" relationship i was so crushed, i would wake up in the morning and just cry.
I don't ever regret that decision. I always look at my past as i made the best decision with the information that i had at that time.
I had gone to one of those clinics that gave free pregnancy tests and advice. I was so shell shocked that i told the lady that i was 20 and couldn't have a child, she mocked me back in my own pathetic voice. I am not sure if she thought that was helpful or not, but it wasn't.
I had no idea you ever went through anything like that. I had a similar experience when Jim and I were married. He just brought the $ home and laid it on the bed. It was obvious he wasn't in favor of another child. I cried through the whole experience and blamed myself for not being strong enough to stand up to him. I have carried a lot of guilt about it. When the girls decided not to have any children I grieved again thinking that child might have been the one to have made me a grandmother. It's a really hard decision to make but it is still a woman's right to make it.
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