Monday, August 26, 2013

addictions and healthy boundaries

I was so proud of myself for filing certain people in my past.  I told my therapist about it today and she replied that I shouldn't be surprised when these people aren't so easily forgotten.  Boy was I glad that she said that because I was already thinking of things from my past, but in a different way.  She said that was good.  I have to stop looking to other people to validate my self worth, this is my drug.  I told her that if Charles Manson came walking through the door with roses and started adoring me, I would follow him anywhere.  This was my issue last year, I let someone else validate my self worth and then when I was dismissed via email, it was like I had to go cold turkey.  I went into a downward spiral.  She said that people with a healthy self worth would still have hurt, but when you let that person be all of your self worth then you fall apart.  When you let your job be your self worth and you end up feeling betrayed, you fall apart. 

I do but I don't understand addiction, I have had so many different ones in my life.  I have drank too much, I have eaten too much, I have spent too much money, I have worked too much.....I have a hard time understanding how people get stuck on one addiction. 

I am still trying to work through all of my anger and irritation issues.  My sister wants me to come and see her.  I have been avoiding it for fear of not being able to keep healthy boundaries.  My sister is a master manipulator.  I then wanted to be like Butch and tell her to pull her head out and plug it in.  I am now at, I don't want to see the sad condition that my sister is living in. 

I remember my cousins and I worshiped her, we thought that she was the coolest chic in town.  Now to know that she is more interested in drinking her whiskey than doing her laundry or taking a shower is not cute.  I can remember once she gave me a look of horror when I didn't brush my teeth before going to bed.  I really hate to know the last time that she brushed her teeth.

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