validation

i was in my early teens and i called on of those teen hotlines because i was really sad about the lack of relationship with my mother and how i felt abandoned.  Butch was gone somewhere.  I remember the person on the other end of the line told me that there were people out there with real problems and that i needed to stop wasting their time.  I hope they didn't stay in that line of work for very long. 

I went to the store today to see if i could fire someone for attendance and i could tell that my attitude had not gotten any better.  I cant wait for Krysis to come back from vacation. 

I am still finding reminders that i alone must fill this hole by myself.  I came home Thursday night to a lackluster welcome.  It did hurt my feelings.  I cant rely on a relationship, food, clothes, or my job to fill the hole that i feel inside.  I don't have to kill myself everyday to be accepted.  I am going to have to learn that the way that i am is good enough. 

It is funny, my sister is an alcoholic who tried to cut herself with a bic razor.  My brother was thrown in jail for stalking his ex (married) girlfriend.  Butch told my sister "look at your sister, she is just kicking ass".....whatever, more like getting my ass kicked. 

my therapist thinks that my meltdown was transference from not feeling as if anyone cared about me when i was growing up. 

one Christmas, i was feeling really down.  i had to be in either the 7th or 8th grade and i remember feeling a shift because i had decided that when school was going to start back that i would start going with a certain guy and that made me perk up.  butch said that he was happy to see me open up and that other family members had made a comment on it.  i started looking to guys to validate me and make me happy. 

i was watching a show yesterday and the guy being interviewed said that you have to find a way to get the roommates in your head to be quiet.  I am not sure how to do this, they talk even when i am asleep.  I woke up this morning wondering who had more laundry, star trek or star wars....i decided it was star trek.