not deserving of

You either marry your father, the person who you wanted your father to be, or someone to get away from your father. 

I keep getting these reminders that I must find my self worth in myself, not my work, not my mate, and not in the way that I look.  As Roslynn would say "I was outdone" tonight.  I went to the grocery store and picked the quickest parking spot.  I ran in and got three items and got out as quickly as possible.  I got into the vehicle and thanked him for waiting for me.  I was barely out of the parking spot when I was told that he wished I would think of someone other than myself and not park him pointing into the sun light.  Wow!!!!  That was a rendition of the Butch speech about the world not revolving around me. 

I really struggled this morning with my thoughts.  I am confused as to why I keep going back to the same thought patterns.  I try really hard to get up and think of God in the morning, to be thankful, to be appreciative, to ask him to help me heal my heart and continue to carry me through my troubles.  Unfortunately my first thoughts were from the damage caused by the Miley Cyrus VMA performance.  I have been working my steps like my therapist has told me, know that my past mistakes were because I am looking for validation from anyone who is willing to give it to me.  Forgive myself, be loving with myself, and learn to recognize the situation once it presents itself again and be able to chose differently. 

I have been having better days. I am not sure if it is because of my meds, my therapy, or the fact that I haven't really seen chicken little in almost 3 weeks.  Tomorrow she will be back and I am hoping that I will be able to handle the situation effectively, efficiently, and professionally.  We all have a game plan and I have replacements hired. 

I really do believe that my anxiety comes from the fact that I really do believe that I do not deserve what I have.  Today I had to remind myself how exceptionally hard I have worked for all that I have.  I deserve to live in a nice house.  I deserve to drive a nice car.  I deserve to have nice things to wear.  My biggest fear in life is that my house would burn down and I would lose it all because I don't deserve it.