Monday, March 4, 2013

exorcism

I found out this weekend that someone i graduated school with had passed away.  It is amazing that the older you get, the older your definition of old gets.  We all just thought how young he was and he had cirrhosis of the liver and several other problems.  He had spent 3 weeks in the hospital before losing his battle. 

I really didn't need any help having weird dreams, but thinking of all my high school classmates, made me dream of my high school sweetheart.  This was probably the first real episode of severe depression that i had after we broke up.  I don't really remember what the dream was about, but i do remember how much weight i gained after we broke up, how i could barely drag my behind from bed to go to school, only leaving the house to go to work.  I didn't spend any time with friends and if it didn't have to do with making or spending money than i wasn't interested.  I barely graduated from high school because i was unable to make it to school.  It was funny how my dream turned from my first love, to someone i dated in high school, to Jon. I need an exorcism, i cant seem to get him from my head.  I get up in the morning, thankful that i am not thinking of him and then i realize that i just thought of him.  Why is it that there is nothing more saddening than a relationship that was never able to be fulfilled.  It is easier to mourn a loss when both parties showed up and hopefully fought the good fight, but the relationship just wasn't meant to be, than the one that never had the chance to get off the ground. 

I remember bawling my eyes out watching message in a bottle, because i thought it was so sad that Kevin Costner and robin wright (Penn at the time) were unable to see where their relationship might have taken them.  The road untraveled almost.

Then i remember my past and the carnage of what has been my love life and remember that Jon is better off without me. 

I actually gave some sage advice the other day.  I told one of my employees that they shouldn't give to a relationship what they aren't willing/able to lose.  I made foolish choices with my heart and lost too much, now unfortunately i gave away what was left, but i was too scared to follow.  Decisions will be made for you, one way or another.....indecision is a decision. 

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