Saturday, March 9, 2013

ice cream anon

today was a good day, i was able to spend time with my bff and the crew from high school......i did find a dress that would fit with the help of Lycra and pantyhose.  I did not break my neck with the heels, but i am sorry to say that when it was over i didn't have the nerve to hang around with my high school crew.  I could say something about never being able to go home again, but Checotah was never really my home.  I never really did belong.  Deedee had family there, now Katy graduated from there, her father practically lives there.  When we got back to Karen's she asked me if it was just her and i said no, i feel as though there are only two people who are genuinely happy to see me, Tabby and Joe.  I feel bad for not hanging around and eating lunch with them, but i thought i might be able to come home and spend time with my husband.  I was interrupting his viewing of WWII in color.  So, Chloe and I retired to the bedroom where i was able to get a nap. 

While i was at the funeral, my mother in law called me.  I called her back on the way home, she answered told me to hold on for a minute, asked me who it was, told me she was trying to open the garage door, then hung up on me.  The funny part is that she will call me tomorrow to say that she saw that i had called, to which i will reply, yes and you hung up on me. 

I am very proud of my bff, she hasn't had a drink since august 23 and she has been attending her AA meetings.   I wish i could find a self help group where i could air my dirty laundry to strangers, not care what they think, and not feel guilty for burdening them with my issues.  Maybe i can find an overeaters anonymous group, or an ice cream anon group.  I went to the doctor the other day and i am at 180, i have had to buy new clothes.  I love to shop, but find it wasteful to have a closet full of clothes that i cant wear because i have chosen to drown my sorrows in food.  The good news is that Matt doesn't seem to care if spend money on clothes or that i am little more round.  I just know myself well enough to know that when summer gets here and i am still wearing a size 16, it will make my depression even worse.

I must google shrinks and get this show on the road.  I will not spend the next eight months like i have spent the last eight.  I have to decide on a school load and i have to commit or i will NEVER finish my degree which will only further my depression. 

The funeral was good today, several people spoke, and had some great singers.  Ugh, but they moved the body to the back of the room by the exit.....leaving you no choice but to walk by and look at the dead.  I find that so obtrusive.  When i die, i don't want people i don't know to be lurking over my dead body.  If you would like to view my cold, lifeless body, then you may do so at the funeral home....but i will not force it upon people who come to support the family and pay their respects.  I am a pro at not looking at the body though, there was a gentleman to my right who i greeted and a lady at the end of the coffin that blessed me.  I just think that it is rude for me to be staring at a person who i haven't seen or heard from in twenty years.  This is a private moment to be reserved for close friends and family.  My bff loved the whole event, from the hats, to the singing, to the preaching, and the personal testimonials.....she decided that is how she wanted her funeral to be.  Unfortunately, white people cannot seem to dress appropriately for funeral like the black community does.  I loved the ladies in their hats, and the praising in the aisles....it reinforces that god is good all of the time. 

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